\u201cWe aren\u2019t here to raise happy kids, we\u2019re here to raise healthy, competent, thoughtful adults!\u201d\u00a0 So said I with just a hint of smugness round about the time my oldest daughter was a mere 7 years old and still a compliant little bundle of joy\u2026\u00a0 Then over the next ten years I promptly proceeded to violate that \u201cvalue\u201d in every conceivable way.\u00a0 (\u201cValue\u201d in quotes because it clearly wasn\u2019t a value to me, rather it was just a good idea\u2026)\u00a0 According to Dr. Lehman, Tina and I are the \u201cpermissive\u201d parents, we talk a big game but at the end of the day, our kids pretty much get whatever they want and do very little to earn it.\u00a0 That\u2019s not on them, it\u2019s on us!\u00a0 But I find myself wrestling with a seething sort of resentment toward them at times when they are unappreciative or entitled or bitchy or rude when, after all, \u201cI do EVERYTHING for them!\u00a0 And they don\u2019t appreciate it at all!\u201d<\/p>\n
Reading Chua reminded me of the fact that underneath all of the styles and accoutrements of parenting lie the core desires of all parents\u2026 that their offspring would thrive and live lives of purpose.\u00a0 So if the desired outcome is the same, how can there be so many different views on how to get there?\u00a0 What is the secret sauce?\u00a0 Is it fond memories of happy times at the park, going swimming, nice vacations, designer clothes, the latest gadgets?\u00a0 Or is it a strong work ethic, pride in accomplishment, winning, straight A\u2019s?\u00a0 What?\u00a0 Should parents be friends or disciplinarians?<\/p>\n
Can they be both?<\/p>\n
-This same question could be asked about any number of other relational constructs and ultimately culture decides.<\/p>\n
While reading Chua, I was alarmed at some of the things spoken to her daughters, things that in our \u201cwestern\u201d world (to use Chua\u2019s preferred description) would be deemed abusive and worthy of a visit from Children and Family Services.\u00a0 In a western context, the primary motive behind parenting is to buoy the child\u2019s self-esteem, in the Chinese context (at least through Chua\u2019s eyes) the primary motive is to not allow self-esteem to be cheaply bought; it MUST be earned or it is worthless.\u00a0 So, which of these is right?\u00a0 Does one have to be right and one wrong or can they both be right within a given context?<\/p>\n
This book was less about parenting and more about the migration of cultural hallmarks from one context to another.\u00a0 Can a hallmark of one culture (in this case Chinese parenting) exist beyond the second generation embedded in a receptor culture?\u00a0 How much power does the prevailing and surrounding context have on hallmarks of culture?\u00a0 It seems to me the forcing of one cultural distinctive into a very different, very foreign context is really where the potential for volatility is found and Chua articulated it well when she spells out the pattern of cultural decline:<\/p>\n
\u2022 The next generation (mine), the first to be born in America, will typically be high-achieving. They will usually play the piano and\/ or violin. They will attend an Ivy League or Top Ten university. They will tend to be professionals\u2014 lawyers, doctors, bankers, television anchors\u2014 and surpass their parents in income, but that\u2019s partly because they started off with more money and because their parents invested so much in them. They will be less frugal than their parents. They will enjoy cocktails. If they are female, they will often marry a white person. Whether male or female, they will not be as strict with their children as their parents were with them.<\/p>\n
\u2022 The next generation (Sophia and Lulu\u2019s) is the one I spend nights lying awake worrying about. Because of the hard work of their parents and grandparents, this generation will be born into the great comforts of the upper middle class. Even as children they will own many hardcover books (an almost criminal luxury from the point of view of immigrant parents). They will have wealthy friends who get paid for B-pluses. They may or may not attend private schools, but in either case they will expect expensive, brand-name clothes. Finally and most problematically, they will feel that they have individual rights guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution and therefore be much more likely to disobey their parents and ignore career advice. In short, all factors point to this generation being headed straight for decline.1<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
She discovered, through much pain and personal agony, that the receptor culture is much stronger than the one entering from the outside and will eventually always win\u2026<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
1.\u00a0\u00a0Amy Chua,\u00a0Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother<\/i>, (New York: Penguin Books, 2011), 22.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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