As I wrapped this up and read it back, noting the limited number of endnotes, I realised it leans more towards a devotional tone, quite different from my other blogs. Maybe that\u2019s intentional. Perhaps this one was written especially for you.<\/p>\n
When Nicholas Rowe and Sheila Wise Rowe wrote Healing Leadership Trauma, [1]<\/a> they weren\u2019t theorising. Both bring years of ministry leadership, counselling practice, and academic rigour. Nicholas Rowe, PhD, has worked extensively in pastoral ministry and academic leadership, while Sheila Wise Rowe, MA, is a counsellor, spiritual director, and the author of Healing Racial Trauma. Together, they combine research-based insight with pastoral compassion. Their motivation for this book is clear: leaders everywhere carry hidden wounds, often rooted in family experiences, and unless those wounds are named and healed, they resurface in toxic leadership patterns and fractured identities.<\/p>\n One of the most striking sections appears in their discussion on the different types of \u201cblessings\u201d[2]<\/a> children often receive, or fail to receive, from their parents. They list seven: the good enough blessing, the scapegoat, the invisible, the idolised, the helicopter, the cold one, and the narcissist. Each represents a parental interaction pattern that shapes a child\u2019s identity. For instance, the scapegoated child grows up believing they are always the problem; the idolised child feels they must perform endlessly to maintain parental approval; the invisible child lives as though unnoticed, etc. The Rowes demonstrate that the way we are blessed, or the blessing withheld, becomes the basis for our adult identity, leadership, and faith to either flourish or fracture. If the blessing we received from our parents was distorted, we may spend our lives living under a shadow, mistaking ourselves for someone we are not.<\/p>\n In Matthew 3:13-17, when Jesus is baptised, He receives the Father\u2019s blessing before He performs a miracle, preaches a sermon, or calls a disciple. That\u2019s the pattern: identity before activity and beloved before performance.<\/p>\n Contrast that with how so many people live. Like Joseph\u2019s brothers, we grow up in families where a spotlight blessing falls on one child and leaves the others in shadow. Or, like Esau, we do not ache for wealth or inheritance, but simply for the father\u2019s blessing. Without it, we carry unfinished business into adulthood, desperately seeking affirmation from performance, possessions, or power.<\/p>\n The Rowes\u2019 seven blessing types are modern echoes of this biblical idea. The child of the cold one lives with emotional frostbite, constantly questioning their worth. The narcissistic parent offers attention only when it benefits themselves, training the child to live on eggshells. The helicopter parent suffocates independence, while the idolised child feels the crushing weight of expectation. These patterns become the \u201cshadow of the father\u201d in our lives, a shadow that doesn\u2019t touch us physically, but still shapes how we feel about ourselves.<\/p>\n Research confirms it: many fathers stop hugging their sons before the teenage years,[3]<\/a> leaving boys to be affirmed only through performance. The Rowes remind us that those early gaps or distortions in blessings continue to echo into our leadership. We may strive for success not because we love the work, but because we are still chasing Dad\u2019s approval.<\/p>\n So how do we recover? How do we step out of the shadows of our earthly fathers and receive the Paternal blessing of our heavenly Father? The Rowes\u2019 book and Scripture together point us to three truths.<\/p>\n First, God made us. Psalm 139:13-14 declares that we are \u201cfearfully and wonderfully made.\u201d Every aspect of our design, from taste buds to muscle fibres, speaks of intentionality. Our worth does not come from what our earthly fathers said, or failed to say, but from the fact that the Creator knit us together.<\/p>\n Second, God paid for us. John 3:16 isn\u2019t about performance but love. He gave His only Son not because we were good enough but because we were worth the price. I once heard a sports spectator tell His team, \u201cI didn\u2019t come all this way to watch you lose.\u201d That\u2019s the gospel. Jesus didn\u2019t pay such a high price to watch you fail.<\/p>\n Third, God is shaping us. Romans 8:28 reminds us that all things, even distorted blessings and unfinished business with fathers, are worked together for our good, conforming us to Christ\u2019s likeness. Gold is purified in fire until the refiner sees his own face in it. Likewise, God uses our past pain to shape us into the image of Jesus.<\/p>\n Healing leadership trauma begins with finishing our business with our fathers, whether they were present, absent, abusive, or simply human. As a Pastor, I have often encouraged people to write a letter of release: \u201cDad, you did what you knew. You had a father, too. I want you to know, it\u2019s okay. I\u2019m okay. God is my Father now. He loves me, blesses me, and I\u2019m ready to live without regrets.\u201d That simple act can break the shadow\u2019s hold.<\/p>\n Meanwhile, the Rowes remind us that our parental blessing, or lack of it, explains our shadows. Scripture reminds us that God\u2019s blessing restores our light. Nicholas and Sheila Wise Rowe have given us a gift in Healing Leadership Trauma. By naming the different ways parents bless or curse their children, they help us connect the dots between childhood shadows and adult struggles. But the gospel offers even greater news: whatever blessing you did or didn\u2019t receive from your earthly father, your heavenly Father has already spoken. You are His child. You are loved. He is pleased with you.<\/p>\n So let\u2019s finish our business with the past, step out from under the shadow, and live as people who have heard the only blessing that matters: \u201cYou are my son, my daughter, whom I love. With you, I am well pleased.\u201d<\/p>\n (As a side note, I remember the day my Dad blessed me. He sat me down when I was 18, and I was nervous about identifying what my future \u201cjob\u201d was to be. My Dad said, \u201cGlyn, whether you sweep the streets or preach to millions, it makes no difference to me. Do what God put in your heart. I will always love you and be proud of you.\u201d I was blessed.)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n [1]<\/a> Nicholas Rowe and Sheila Wise Rowe, Healing Leadership Trauma: Finding Emotional Health and Helping Others Flourish<\/em> (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2024).<\/p>\n [2]<\/a> Ibid, 39-40.<\/p>\n [3]<\/a> Joe Mellor, \u201cDads Stop Hugging Children by the Time They Turn 10 Years Old,\u201d The London Economic<\/em>, August 26, 2015, https:\/\/www.thelondoneconomic.com\/lifestyle\/dads-stop-hugging-children-by-the-time-they-turn-10-years-old-19643\/<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" As I wrapped this up and read it back, noting the limited number of endnotes, I realised it leans more towards a devotional tone, quite different from my other blogs. Maybe that\u2019s intentional. Perhaps this one was written especially for you. 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