{"id":41976,"date":"2025-09-03T21:07:16","date_gmt":"2025-09-04T04:07:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/?p=41976"},"modified":"2025-09-03T21:07:16","modified_gmt":"2025-09-04T04:07:16","slug":"bridging-the-unbridgeable","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/bridging-the-unbridgeable\/","title":{"rendered":"Bridging the Unbridgeable"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"Standing in line at Baskin-Robbins as a young boy was overwhelming. Thirty-one flavors staring back, and you can only pick one scoop. Reading How to Have Impossible Conversations[1]<\/strong><\/sup><\/a><\/em> by Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay feels the same way. The book lays out 36 practical techniques for navigating what they call \u201cimpossible conversations\u201d\u2014those exchanges that feel futile because of the unbridgeable gulfs in belief, morality, or worldview.[2]<\/sup><\/a> With so much on the menu, choosing where to focus is no small task. What struck me, though, was the humility of the authors. They don\u2019t just teach from a distance; they admit the ways they\u2019ve gotten it wrong. That posture of humility resonates with me as a pastor, husband, father, and leader. For this article, I\u2019ll focus on three beginner-level insights: Modeling, Words, and Asking Questions.<\/p>\n

Modeling<\/strong><\/h3>\n

The first principle may be the simplest, but it\u2019s also the most difficult: if you want your conversation partner to behave in a certain way, you must model that behavior yourself. Boghossian and Lindsay emphasize that we can\u2019t expect others to be calm, thoughtful, or open if we ourselves are defensive, impatient, or dismissive. In one of their stories, they asked Muslim leaders a direct question about whether stoning for adultery should be carried out. While the question itself was sensitive, they modeled the very thing they hoped to receive\u2014clarity. By showing honesty and restraint in the way they asked, they created space for a thoughtful response.<\/p>\n

This connects to what the authors call the \u201cUnread Library Effect.\u201d[3]<\/sup><\/a> Most of us assume we know more than we actually do. When we\u2019re willing to admit ignorance or uncertainty, we model intellectual humility. That small act gives our conversation partner permission to be honest about their own limits.<\/p>\n

Leadership thinkers like Andy Crouch and Simon Walker deepen this insight. In Strong and Weak<\/em>, Crouch argues that flourishing requires both authority and vulnerability.[4]<\/sup><\/a> Real leaders don\u2019t avoid risk; they step into it for the sake of others. Similarly, Walker\u2019s vision of \u201cthe undefended leader\u201d[5]<\/sup><\/a> calls us to drop the armor of control, image-management, and self-protection. Taken together, they show that modeling in conversation isn\u2019t just about technique \u2014 it\u2019s about posture. By risking openness, by admitting what we don\u2019t know, and by refusing to hide behind certainty or power, we create the conditions where others feel safe to do the same.<\/p>\n

In pastoral work, I\u2019ve seen this dynamic countless times. People often assume they \u201cknow\u201d the Bible, but when pressed to explain, they realize their understanding is partial. My willingness to say, \u201cI don\u2019t know, but let\u2019s explore together,\u201d models both humility and risk-taking. It\u2019s a small act of being undefended, and it makes room for others to admit their own limitations.<\/p>\n

At home, this principle is just as powerful. As a father, if I want my children to listen well and admit mistakes, I have to demonstrate those same qualities. When I lose patience, the quickest way to restore trust is to confess it openly. Modeling, then, is not just a conversational strategy \u2014 it is a way of leading with integrity, courage, and vulnerability in every sphere of life.<\/p>\n

Words\"\"<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Even when we model humility and openness, conversations can falter if we aren\u2019t speaking the same language. Boghossian and Lindsay emphasize that many arguments aren\u2019t truly about substance\u2014they\u2019re about the meanings of words. The Google memo controversy illustrates this vividly: a clash erupted not over facts but over what \u201cdiversity and inclusion\u201d meant. Without clarifying definitions, both sides assumed they were arguing about reality, when they were actually talking past each other.[6]<\/sup><\/a><\/p>\n

In pastoral and leadership contexts, this is a familiar challenge. Words like \u201cgospel,\u201d \u201cChristian,\u201d or \u201cchurch\u201d carry different meanings for different people. Clarifying those meanings before entering a discussion prevents unnecessary conflict and opens space for understanding.[7]<\/sup><\/a> Misunderstandings of moral language can escalate disagreements because people often tie their beliefs to their sense of moral identity. By defining terms and agreeing on their meanings, we create a shared foundation for dialogue.<\/p>\n

At home, the same principle applies. As a father, I can prevent many conflicts with my children simply by asking, \u201cWhat do you mean by that?\u201d or clarifying expectations in ways they can understand. In ministry, careful stewardship of words creates space for authentic dialogue rather than defensive posturing. When leaders pay attention to the words they use and ensure mutual understanding, they model clarity and respect, making conversations productive rather than confrontational. Words, when handled well, become bridges instead of barriers.<\/p>\n

Asking Questions<\/strong><\/h3>\n

The third beginner-level insight is deceptively powerful: ask questions, and ask them well. Boghossian and Lindsay highlight the Socratic approach, which relies less on argumentation and more on targeted, thoughtful questioning.[8]<\/sup><\/a> Good questions aren\u2019t closed yes-or-no prompts; they are open-ended, inviting your conversation partner to explain their reasoning and thinking. \u201cHow\u201d and \u201cwhat\u201d questions, in particular, allow dialogue to unfold naturally, creating space for reflection and exploration.<\/p>\n

In ministry and leadership, this skill is invaluable. Asking calibrated questions such as, \u201cWhat do you mean by that belief?\u201d or \u201cHow did you arrive at that conclusion?\u201d allows people to articulate their thinking without feeling attacked. It also surfaces assumptions or gaps in understanding\u2014what the authors call the \u201cUnread Library Effect\u201d\u2014without the discomfort of direct confrontation.<\/p>\n

At home, the difference is even more apparent. I\u2019ve noticed it countless times with my own children: the moment I launch into a monologue, their eyes glaze over. I may be explaining profound spiritual truths or trying to convey a timeless life-changing insight, but my lecture often shuts them down. The breakthrough comes when I pause and ask, \u201cWhat do you think about this?\u201d or \u201cHow would you handle that?\u201d Suddenly, the conversation becomes two-way, and they engage instead of retreat.<\/p>\n

The key, Boghossian and Lindsay note, is authenticity.[9]<\/sup><\/a> Questions should reflect genuine curiosity, not a hidden agenda or attempt to \u201cwin\u201d the conversation. In practice, this means listening attentively, following up thoughtfully, and being willing to modify your own thinking based on what you learn. Asking questions, then, is not just a conversational tool\u2014it is a posture of humility, engagement, and care. In a world of \u201cimpossible conversations,\u201d asking the right questions may be the single most effective way to create understanding where there once was division.<\/p>\n

Conclusion<\/strong><\/h3>\n

At first glance, modeling, clarifying words, and asking questions may seem like small things. But in practice, they open space where genuine dialogue can happen. They shift the focus from winning an argument to building a relationship. That shift is what makes \u201cimpossible\u201d conversations possible. As I reflect on this book alongside others we\u2019ve read\u2014Humble Leadership[10]<\/strong><\/sup><\/a><\/em>, Thinking, Fast and Slow[11]<\/strong><\/sup><\/a><\/em>, and even the biblical example of leaders who paired truth with humility\u2014I see a common thread: flourishing conversations emerge from trust, curiosity, and patience. For pastors, parents, and leaders, the invitation is simple but challenging. We don\u2019t need to master all 36 techniques. We can begin with practicing these three. Small as they are, they create the conditions for bridges to be built where walls once stood.<\/p>\n

\u00a0_________________________________________________________________________________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

[1]<\/sup><\/a> Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide<\/em>, (New York: Hachette Books, 2019).<\/p>\n

[2]<\/sup><\/a> Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations<\/em>, 3.<\/p>\n

[3]<\/sup><\/a> Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations<\/em>, 36.<\/p>\n

[4]<\/sup><\/a> Andy Crouch, Strong and Weak<\/em>, (Downers Grove, IL: IVP Books, 2016), 11.<\/p>\n

[5]<\/sup><\/a> Simon Walker, The Undefended Leader<\/em>, (Piquant Editions, 2010).<\/p>\n

[6]<\/sup><\/a> Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations<\/em>, 40.<\/p>\n

[7]<\/sup><\/a> Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations<\/em>, 41.<\/p>\n

[8]<\/sup><\/a> Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations<\/em>, 43.<\/p>\n

[9]<\/sup><\/a> Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations<\/em>, 45.<\/p>\n

[10]<\/sup><\/a> Edgar H. Scheinand Peter A. Schein, Humble<\/em> Leadership, Second Edition: The Power of Relationships, Openness, and Trust.<\/em> (N.p.: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2023).<\/p>\n

[11]<\/sup><\/a> Kahneman, Daniel, Thinking, Fast and Slow,<\/em> (Farrar, Straus and Giroux. Kindle Edition, 2011).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Standing in line at Baskin-Robbins as a young boy was overwhelming. Thirty-one flavors staring back, and you can only pick one scoop. Reading How to Have Impossible Conversations[1] by Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay feels the same way. The book lays out 36 practical techniques for navigating what they call \u201cimpossible conversations\u201d\u2014those exchanges that feel […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":194,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[3212,2967],"class_list":["post-41976","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-boghossian","tag-dlgp03","cohort-dlgp03"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41976","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/194"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=41976"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41976\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":41980,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41976\/revisions\/41980"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=41976"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=41976"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=41976"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}