{"id":41955,"date":"2025-09-02T14:01:51","date_gmt":"2025-09-02T21:01:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/?p=41955"},"modified":"2025-09-02T14:01:51","modified_gmt":"2025-09-02T21:01:51","slug":"what-were-you-thinking","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/what-were-you-thinking\/","title":{"rendered":"“What Were You Thinking?”"},"content":{"rendered":"

Human communication is a fascinating thing. We have such an incredible ability, through our words, tone, and body language, to communicate everything from abstract ideas about distant galaxies to deep inner turmoil. I\u2019m also always impressed by human beings and our ability to miscommunicate through assumptions, reactions, and misunderstandings. As a husband, father, and pastor, effective communication is crucial to my daily responsibilities. The book How To Have Impossible Conversations<\/em> was of great interest to me.<\/p>\n

As a parent of a toddler, a preschooler, and three teenagers, the way each of our kids communicates with us, and how we communicate with them, changes constantly. It also depends on their developmental stage. As I read through this book, the two ideas that stood out to me the most were understanding over winning and asking good questions.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve never been very good at arguments out loud. I am more of a people-pleaser and tend to be quiet in conflict, afraid of saying the wrong thing. I tend to be more passive than reactive, which has its pros but also its challenges. Arguments can often feel like a battle to me, where there is a winner and a loser, based on the merit of the argument or the power dynamic involved. The authors suggest to \u201cmake understanding your conversation partner\u2019s reasoning your (initial) goal.\u201d[1]<\/strong><\/em><\/a> This was a helpful reminder and reframe of impossible conversations, especially with our kids. I generally have an opinion about what my kids should or shouldn\u2019t do. And, of course, I\u2019m right. Or I would change my opinion. \ud83d\ude42 This reminded me that, as a dad, the goal is to connect with my teenage kids, especially when we disagree on a particular issue or idea. I\u2019m not abdicating my role as an authority figure in their life with things that they may not realize can have significant impact on them. But I will earn trust and credibility with them if the conversations we have are focused more on connection than persuasion.<\/p>\n

The other part of Impossible Conversations<\/em> that really resonated with me is learning to ask better questions. The authors write, \u201cWhen your questions are open-ended, meaning questions that allow your partner to talk at length about her thoughts in her own words\u2026the invite conversations.\u201d<\/em>[2]<\/a> So often communication breaks down because one party or the other feels threatened or attacked, even when the person asking the question is simply seeking to understand. This practice of asking open ended questions is a game changer for me. It is something I want to incorporate as a parent and pastor right away. I just have to stay away from the \u201cwhat\u201d question that pops up first in my mind: \u201cWhat were you thinking?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

In her book The Six Conversations<\/em>, author Heather Holleman writes, \u201cWe connect with people when we ask questions that invite them to share their lives. A good question communicates, \u2018I want to know you, not fix you.\u2019\u201d<\/em>[3]<\/strong><\/em><\/a> Learning to ask good questions about a person, their opinions, and their beliefs communicates that you truly care. David Augsburger, in his book Caring Enough to Hear and Be Heard<\/em>, says, \u201cBeing heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.\u201d<\/em>[4]<\/strong><\/em><\/a> I very much want my kids and the people of my church to feel loved in the interactions we have together. This requires me to seek to listen rather than fix, pursue rather than persuade, and let go of agendas or to-do lists in order to be interruptible and available to those who are looking for genuine connection and love.<\/p>\n

Finally, Ken Sande, in his book The Peacemaker<\/em>, reminds us that impossible conversations, or conversations in conflict, are ultimately about bringing glory to God. He writes, \u201cPeacemakers breathe grace. They draw continually on the goodness and power of Jesus Christ, and then they bring his love, mercy, forgiveness, strength, and wisdom into the conflicts of daily life.<\/em>[5]<\/strong><\/em><\/a>\u201d<\/em> This is a lofty goal, but something that this new resource is helping me to learn how to do.<\/p>\n

Who are the people that you feel stuck with in conversation? What are some good questions you could ask to restart the conversation and communicate, ultimately, that you love and care for them?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

[1]<\/a> Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide<\/em> (New York: Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2019), p. 13.<\/p>\n

[2]<\/a> Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide<\/em> (New York: Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2019), p. 13.<\/p>\n

[3]<\/a> Heather Holleman, The Six Conversations: Pathways to Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility<\/em> (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2022), p. 28.<\/p>\n

[4]<\/a> David Augsburger, Caring Enough to Hear and Be Heard: How to Hear and How to Be Heard in Equal Communication<\/em> (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1982), p. 16.<\/p>\n

[5]<\/a> Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict<\/em> (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2004), p. 11.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Human communication is a fascinating thing. We have such an incredible ability, through our words, tone, and body language, to communicate everything from abstract ideas about distant galaxies to deep inner turmoil. I\u2019m also always impressed by human beings and our ability to miscommunicate through assumptions, reactions, and misunderstandings. As a husband, father, and pastor, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":196,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[3473],"class_list":["post-41955","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-dlgp03-boghossian","cohort-dlgp03"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41955","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/196"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=41955"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41955\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":41957,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41955\/revisions\/41957"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=41955"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=41955"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=41955"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}