\u201cA Failure of Nerve\u201d by Edwin H. Friedman is definitely my favorite book of the semester so far! It’s been a challenging week for me, and it truly feels as though this book was written just for someone like me. As a new leader here in Hawaii, I’m navigating the beautiful journey of leading in a fresh environment. Managing seven different departments while learning how to best support my team and juggle all my responsibilities can be quite overwhelming, but I\u2019m embracing the experience! Edwin Friedman introduced a new concept in \u201cA Failure of Nerve\u201d that I had never encountered before, which is the concept of a triangle. As the leader of my Youth Department, I often find myself caught in many triangles, which can lead to destruction and eventually cause me to lose sight of my goals. \u201cLeaders who get caught in emotional triangles lose their capacity to lead because they become emotionally entangled in the problems of others.\u201d1.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s Friday, and President Trump just had a meeting with Ukrainian President Zelensky. While the meeting didn\u2019t yield the desired results, we\u2019re still hoping for a clear path to end this heartbreaking war. I\u2019m truly moved by how people are reacting to this situation. Coming from Eastern Europe, where I\u2019ve walked on those streets where now are dead bodies and heartbreak, streets filled with devastation, I find it easier to express my thoughts here in the USA than if I were back in Russia or Ukraine. Friedman wisely observes, “The greatest mistake leaders make is assuming that people are logically motivated when, in fact, they are emotionally driven.\u201d It\u2019s so interesting to see such lively discussions in American society, with a variety of opinions capturing a wide range of emotions\u2014sometimes leading to anxiety and stress. What captivates me isn\u2019t just how people respond to the war in Ukraine, as we all care and want it to end, but rather how quickly we form conclusions without knowing the whole story. The phrase \u201ca failure of nerve\u201d encapsulates our yearning for quick fixes, highlighting that we often live in challenging systems, always searching for the easiest and safest paths.<\/p>\n
I truly connect with Friedman\u2019s perspective that we often find ourselves in systems where, rather than fostering accountability, we tend to focus on how people feel. This can make it a bit challenging to engage in meaningful discussions and shift our attention from productive conversations to emotions. We want to belong to as many circles as possible, even when they don\u2019t relate to us. He discusses two types of congregations: one being a pill \u2013 where people are stuck in the past, dwelling on their problems; and the other being a plum \u2013 forward-thinking and adaptable. Leaders who are mired in the past create stagnant systems, while those who embrace the future inspire their followers to do the same. This really challenges me as a leader, as sometimes my unresolved past sneaks in uninvited and tends to steal the spotlight.<\/p>\n
Friedman shares a powerful example of a ship captain navigating through choppy waters. After a tough week at work, I can definitely relate to feeling a bit more anxious than usual. He points out that many ships face wrecks not necessarily because of massive storms or serious threats, but often due to small, overlooked mistakes in judgment. The captain, while concentrating on the big picture, might overlook some important details, leading to serious consequences. It turns out that it\u2019s not just about making the right choices; it\u2019s the tiniest hesitations that can grow into more significant issues. He encourages us to prioritize self-care, highlighting how many leaders get caught up trying to solve everyone else\u2019s problems while neglecting their personal growth. Friedman reminds us to embrace our inner authority and notes that the best leaders are those who first take charge of themselves. He helps us recognize the patterns in our lives \u2013 within our families, church, work, and even personal lives. He wisely states, \u201cYou cannot change a system by trying to change others; you change it by changing yourself.\u201d2<\/p>\n
How do I avoid falling into the trap of being a pleaser?<\/p>\n
How do I steer clear of triangles that I don\u2019t belong in?<\/p>\n
How do I control my urge to fix the problems around me?<\/p>\n
I\u2019m really focusing on changing myself. While I can\u2019t change others, I have the power to choose the path I want to walk. I need to clarify my values and goals because without them, I feel like I\u2019m walking blindly and potentially leading others into a difficult spot. Taking care of my personal well-being is essential. Rather than looking for a savior, I find it much more effective to work on my personal issues and get to the root of my past challenges. Leaving my past unresolved holds me back from pursuing the goals and vision we aspire to establish. Most importantly, it\u2019s not just about leading others; it\u2019s about leading myself first and foremost.<\/p>\n
#1 – Friedman – p.219<\/p>\n
#2 – Friedman – ch 1<\/p>\n
Friedman – summary of all chapters<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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