I worked for a mom-and-pop company. Pop was a pioneer in the industry who turned his experience and notoriety into a fledging business. Mom ran the business.<\/p>\n
It was a Friday afternoon. Pop was diabetic and was two days into a severe blood sugar imbalance. About 4:00, the cussing began. By 4:02, I was down in his office, worried that this meltdown over a poorly written report might lead to his physical demise. By 4:10, the office had cleared out, leaving a handful of us to attempt to restore order. By 4:20, I had mentally gone through my finances and realized I needed to stay and take it.[1]<\/a> I went home around 7:00 with a new understanding of verbal abuse.<\/p>\n Saturday, the company president called me to check on things. In the conversation, he said that we \u201ckind of had it coming to us.\u201d I didn\u2019t have a response that day. Today, I\u2019d say that the president had a failure of nerve.<\/p>\n Edwin Friedman defines a well-differentiated leader as \u201csomeone who has clarity about his or her own life goals and . . . is less likely to become lost in the anxious emotional process swirling about.”[2]<\/a> In contrast, our president was a peace-monger, a highly anxious risk-avoider \u201cwho functions as if [he] had been filleted of [his] backbone.\u201d[3]<\/a> Decades later, I remain on friendly terms with our former president, yet I don\u2019t disagree with Friedman\u2019s inciteful description.<\/p>\n I struggled to overcome Friedman\u2019s style. It is difficult to take a book seriously with interjections such as \u201cwhat will turn out to be true 100 percent of the time,” and, \u201cThis is an absolutely universal rule of life in this galaxy.\u201d[4],<\/a>[5]<\/a> He even had the audacity to tell me that a well-differentiated leader is decisive rather than data oriented!<\/p>\n He\u2019s right, though. There will always be more data, more reasons to delay or second-guess a decision. He says that leadership is an emotional process rather than a cognitive phenomenon.[6]<\/a> If the leader waits on perfect data before chartering a course, the ship will never sail.<\/p>\n I appreciated his characteristics of gridlocked systems<\/em>.[7]<\/a> It is a bit ironic that Pop helped me see the insight that trying harder will not overcome a conceptual error. He regularly commented, \u201cHey, guys, you\u2019re asking the wrong question,\u201d before heading off in a direction that nobody anticipated.<\/p>\n Yet, what does Friedman have against empathy? I\u2019m checking the copyright date. Clearly, he didn\u2019t see the cultural shift that has brought about so much anxiety.[8]<\/a><\/p>\n Search, Pause, Reflect<\/strong><\/p>\n I began proof-citing business articles on empathy, which meant that I had to read them. Not all articles extolled the competitive advantage of leading with radical empathy.[9]<\/a> For example, Michelle Bonterre writes that \u201cempathy alone is not sufficient for effective leadership.\u201d[10]<\/a> In the continuum from pity to compassion, empathy falls short of action.<\/p>\n Empathy is \u201cthe action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.\u201d[11]<\/a> Friedman aligns empathy with the herding force characteristic of an anxious society.[12]<\/a> A leader vicariously experiencing the anxiety of others does not move the organization forward. Rather, a well-differentiated leader\u2019s steady presence can lead others through their anxiety.<\/p>\n Compassion is \u201csympathetic consciousness of others\u2019 distress together with a desire to alleviate it.\u201d[13]<\/a> Empathy shares the emotional experience. Compassion brings a plan of action. Friedman recognizes that caring for others is a \u201cheartfelt, humanitarian, highly spiritual, and an essential component in a leader\u2019s response repertoire.\u201d[14]<\/a> His experience is that sensitivity to others does not in itself lead to an improved condition.<\/p>\n I want to disagree with Friedman. I want to choose the cognitive<\/em> leadership skills of Poole\u2019s 17 Critical Incidents[15]<\/a> over the emotional <\/em>process that Friedman advocates. That fateful Friday afternoon taught me leadership\u2014or lack thereof\u2014exists within the context of emotions. I value a calm, steady presence, filled with conviction and responsibility. Both books are valuable. I appreciate Poole\u2019s thoroughness in describing what<\/em> leaders do. I found Friedman to be eye-opening in how<\/em> leaders lead.<\/p>\n [1]<\/a> 6 months later, I had enough money in the bank such that I wouldn\u2019t have to take it again. Years later, business school put a name to this go to hell<\/em> money<\/em>.<\/p>\n [2]<\/a> Edwin H. Friedman. A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix<\/em>, ed. Margaret M. Treadwell and Edward W. Beal, rev. ed. New York: Church Publishing, 2017, 15.<\/p>\n [3]<\/a> Friedman, 14-15.<\/p>\n [4]<\/a> Friedman, 14.<\/p>\n [5]<\/a> Friedman, 147.<\/p>\n [6]<\/a> Friedman, 14.<\/p>\n [7]<\/a> Friedman, 38.<\/p>\n [8]<\/a> Jonathan Haidt. \u201cEnd the Phone-Based Childhood Now.\u201d The Atlantic<\/em> (blog), March 13, 2024. https:\/\/www.theatlantic.com\/technology\/archive\/2024\/03\/teen-childhood-smartphone-use-mental-health-effects\/677722\/.<\/p>\n [9]<\/a> Brian Williamson. \u201cUnlocking Potential: The Leadership Imperative of Empathy\u201d Psychology Today, February 25, 2025. https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/achieving-the-objective\/202502\/unlocking-potential-the-leadership-imperative-of-empathy.<\/p>\n [10]<\/a> Michelle Bonterre. \u201cEmpathetic Leadership: How to Go Beyond Lip Service.\u201d Harvard Business Publishing, November 30, 2023. https:\/\/www.harvardbusiness.org\/empathetic-leadership-how-to-go-beyond-lip-service\/.<\/p>\n [11]<\/a> Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary<\/em>, s.v. \u201cempathy,\u201d accessed February 25, 2025, https:\/\/www.merriam-webster.com\/dictionary\/empathy.<\/p>\n [12]<\/a> Friedman, 145.<\/p>\n [13]<\/a> Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary<\/em>, s.v. \u201ccompassion,\u201d accessed February 25, 2025, https:\/\/www.merriam-webster.com\/dictionary\/compassion.<\/p>\n
\n