{"id":39297,"date":"2024-11-11T10:15:35","date_gmt":"2024-11-11T18:15:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/?p=39297"},"modified":"2024-11-14T17:02:05","modified_gmt":"2024-11-15T01:02:05","slug":"i-overheard-a-conversation-about-racism","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/i-overheard-a-conversation-about-racism\/","title":{"rendered":"I Overheard a Conversation about Racism\u2026"},"content":{"rendered":"

A Story<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

After checking in with the apartment management office where I’m staying in Penang, Malaysia, I was asked to wait as ID cards were made. A few minutes later, I was greeted by a friendly gentleman who worked at the facility. He welcomed me to Penang and spoke of his upcoming holiday. A few minutes later, another foreign guest arrived. He knew the gentleman by name, and they talked about hiking on the island. After chatting for several minutes, the conversation abruptly turned to race as stories and misinformation about others of a different race were made by my new friend. Several of our books ran through my mind as I listened. I observed issues of race, bias, identity, dignity, and managing impossible conversations as part of this uncomfortable cross-cultural situation.<\/p>\n

The conversation took on a different tone when the foreign guest spoke up after listening for several minutes. He gently responded that he disagreed and respectfully commented on the racial bias of his friend. Culturally, I’m not sure how well his comments were received as the conversation ended awkwardly shortly thereafter, but there was a promise to talk later. I wondered how my new friend felt when confronted with his own bias. However, during the conversation, I observed respectful speech, rapport, active listening, modeling, curiosity, and no display of anger. These are skills described in How to Have Impossible Conversations<\/em> by Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay. I wonder how this conversation would have gone down if it had been in the United States.<\/p>\n

My context is removed from what is currently happening during the US elections. As a nation, we aren’t very good at practicing the wisdom of James 1:19, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” I’m grieved by the harmful and reckless actions of those who fail to practice the Golden Rule. I’m reminded that challenging conversations are a global experience and are managed differently depending on cultural norms and expectations. We all feel strongly about something. We all have stories and experiences that shape our thoughts, feelings, positions, and actions. What would it be like to get underneath that and truly understand another person? Even those with whom we strongly disagree.<\/p>\n

The Book <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Boghossian and Lindsay offer an array of skills and suggest different levels of interaction. The main goal of their book is to help people communicate with those with radically different beliefs.[1]<\/a> They warn of emotional and identity-laden undercurrents that must be navigated with care.[2]<\/a> Additionally, the repercussions of speaking up in our current “Cancel Culture” society are genuine.[3]<\/a> Three essential skills stood out to me. First, letting our friends be wrong.[4]<\/a> The concept speaks of maintaining good boundaries, both intellectually and emotionally. This pairs well with Lukianoff and Schlott’s recommendation to practice “epistemic humility,” which acknowledges that we, too, might be wrong, and no one should be canceled for thinking differently.[5]<\/a> The second skill is asking good questions. This advanced skill includes Socratic, calibrated, and disconfirming questions.[6]<\/a> The third is incredibly challenging: helping someone vent.[7]<\/a> This requires tolerance for the intense feelings of others while providing them with a safe place to land.<\/p>\n

So much to glean! However, I’m concerned by the following statement,”\u2026to help someone change her mind about a moral belief make it your goal to sow doubts<\/em> in the pathways that enable her to conclude she holds the correct values.”[8]<\/a> (italics mine) While I’m grateful for the plasticity of our brain’s neuropathways, to be honest, I’m not sure it’s my job to change someone else’s mind. How about offering an invitation to be curious and wonder with me? I believe that is at the heart of what our authors say. But there seems to be a fine line. I don’t want to be someone’s project, nor do I want to go in with the goal of changing someone else’s values. That feels dishonest. What about prioritizing relationships? An open and humble stance is necessary for building authentic relationships in which our mirror neurons can impact one another positively. Brains need other brains to integrate knowledge. Mirror neurons work both positively and negatively by helping us understand and imitate the behaviors, thoughts, and feelings of others. My response plays an important role. I must be genuine, undefended, and non-anxious to accomplish the task!<\/p>\n

Concluding Thoughts<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

While this book is particularly timely in our American cultural context, I wonder how these principles apply cross-culturally. Shame, saving face, and the cultural constructs of humility add more nuance to these seemingly impossible conversations. I’m pondering what needs to be adjusted. But I’ll ask first! I’m certain we all need to feel safe, the experience of being heard, our dignity upheld, and our identity as beloved affirmed.<\/p>\n

Last week, I was blessed to be with ninety pastors and leaders in Indonesia. Together, we practiced silence and listening. There were no attempts to fix, judge, interrupt, or convince the one speaking of a different point of view. We listened, reflecting on what we heard. We gave each other the gift of a safe place to tell our stories and feel what we needed to feel in the company of others we trust and love. This does not mean we all think and feel the same because we don’t. Or that we were in groups with people that we knew well. We weren’t. What we have is a commitment to deepen our relational connections. As our authors suggest, developing a relationship or engaging in a conversation partnership is a wise place to begin. This will likely require more listening, more silence, and better questions. Julian Treasure reminds me that listening to another person is “a rare and generous gift.”[9]<\/a><\/p>\n

That being said, there are serious issues that require a more outspoken approach, such as human trafficking, racial injustices, and the abuse of children and vulnerable adults in all its forms. Boghossian and Lindsay give us a boundaried and respectful toolkit for speaking up for the silenced, marginalized, and abused. In a highly politicized and polarized environment, this is where our voices, speaking the truth in love, matter most.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

[1]<\/a> Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide<\/em> (New York, NY: Hachette Books, 2019), 1.<\/p>\n

[2]<\/a> Boghossian and Lindsay, Impossible Conversations,<\/em> 162.<\/p>\n

[3]<\/a> Greg Lukianoff and Rikki Schlott, The Canceling of the American Mind, <\/em>(New York NY: Simon & Schuster, 2023), 31.<\/p>\n

[4]<\/a> Boghossian and Lindsay, Impossible Conversations, <\/em>73.<\/p>\n

[5]<\/a> Lukianoff \u00a0and Schlott, Canceling,<\/em> 91.<\/p>\n

[6]<\/a> Boghossian and Lindsay, Impossible Conversations, <\/em>43-44, 116.<\/p>\n

[7]<\/a> Ibid., 138-139.<\/p>\n

[8]<\/a> Ibid., 166.<\/p>\n

[9]<\/a> Julian Treasure, How to be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening.<\/em> (Coral Gables, Fl: Mango Publishing Group, 2017), 38.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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