I\u2019ve sworn off conversations about politics with my father. I haven\u2019t told him this but I think he\u2019s taken the hint. I\u2019ve witnessed him trying really hard to not talk about politics with me. I can see him squirming, beginning to say something divisive (at least it is divisive from my perspective) and then stopping himself. For this, I am grateful.<\/p>\n
I love my dad and I want a healthy relationship with him. The only way this seems possible is if we do not engage in conversations about politics \u2013 or anything that could tip its toe into that realm.<\/p>\n
So, while reading the book \u201cHow to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide\u201d by Peter Boghossian, I was thinking about trying out his methods when speaking with my father. I was also considering using this book to teach a class or workshop on this topic at our church.<\/p>\n
Boghossian\u2019s book is about \u201chow to communicate effectively with people who hold radically different beliefs.\u201d[1]<\/a> This is important for many reasons but ultimately, because \u201cpeople act upon their beliefs\u2014whether those beliefs are true or not.\u201d[2]<\/a><\/p>\n It\u2019s no secret that conversations across the proverbial aisle are often literally impossible these days. It seems that most of the time opponents, and that is an apt word for those engaging in the discussions, are talking at one another or worse, over the other. The goal these days seems to be to prove one\u2019s opinions, thoughts, and beliefs, rather than to learn. As Boghossian puts it, \u201cIn such cases you\u2019re viewed as a receptacle to pour ideas into, or as an opponent to be debated and vanquished.\u201d[3]<\/a> I wonder if, at least when it comes to politics and social policy and ideas, this is because it feels like our very nation is at stake if the other side \u201cwins.\u201d<\/p>\n This book seeks to teach the reader to have conversations with those who are willing to speak with them, not those whose goal is to indoctrinate or dump their opinions onto the reader. And the more I think about it, that may be the rub with this book.<\/p>\n I need a book that teaches us what to do with those who just want to \u201copinion dump.\u201d Boghossian suggests we \u201cwalk away\u201d[4]<\/a> when conversing with an \u201casshole,\u201d[5]<\/a> but what happens when that person is someone you love? I can\u2019t walk away (permanently) from my father, or maybe it\u2019s that I won\u2019t walk away from him but I also don\u2019t feel \u201cpsychologically safe\u201d when conversing about politics with him because I don\u2019t feel like we are conversational partners.[6]<\/a> That said, like Boghossian proposes, I know my father\u2019s intentions are good. While there are layers to the why<\/em> behind what he believes, and his epistemology is different than mine, my father has always wanted to help others and he carries desire into his beliefs.[7]<\/a><\/p>\n So, as I consider how to have impossible conversations, one of the lessons I am taking with me from the over thirty-six techniques, Boghossian teaches, is to try to be a conversational partner<\/em><\/strong>, to have as my goal, not to win the conversation, but to learn from the conversation. I will also try to remember that \u201cseemingly impossible conversations typically have one thing in common: they\u2019re about moral beliefs rooted in one\u2019s sense of identity, but they play out on the level of facts (or assertions, name-calling, grandstanding, threats, etc.).[8]<\/a> I do believe people are generally trying their best to do good, to be good. (Not everyone, but most of the people with whom I come in contact are trying to be the best version of themselves.) When people are passionate about a belief, whether it is logical, true, or not, they are usually coming from a place of wanting to better the world. Keeping this in mind, allows grace for the other and for one\u2019s self, it gives us permission to learn from one another and even, perhaps, to say, \u201cOh! Well, I\u2019ve changed my mind! Thank you!\u201d<\/p>\n Boghossian tells us that we must \u201cuse what you\u2019ve learned. The techniques of the previous chapters will be worthless unless you practice.\u201d[9]<\/a> I think the Church offers a unique place and people with whom to do this practice. Jesus didn\u2019t back down from difficult conversations, often engaging with those on the other side, he was also quick to listen, to walk away and pray, to forgive. As the Body of Christ, we don\u2019t get to say to one another, \u201cI am walking away,\u201d because a body part cannot walk away from another body part unless it is severed \u2013 in which case, the Body of Christ is no longer whole. I need to work more on this metaphor, but my point is, if we can have these impossible conversations in the Church and remain the Body of Christ, we can be part of healing this divisive world.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n [1]<\/a> Boghossian, Peter; Lindsay, James. How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide, Hachette Books, Kindle Edition, 1.<\/p>\n [2]<\/a> Ibid, 4.<\/p>\n [3]<\/a> Ibid.<\/p>\n [4]<\/a> Ibid, 2.<\/p>\n [5]<\/a> Ibid, 2.<\/p>\n [6]<\/a> Ibid, 11.<\/p>\n