Last weekend, I had the opportunity to speak at a leadership conference to medical doctors, therapists, and social workers. Whenever I am given the freedom to choose my topic, I always try to choose a topic my audience is not expecting but I know they need to wrestle with. Last weekend, my topic was, \u201cHealing Leaders, Work Through Their Shame.\u201d I knew it did not sound flashy, pretty, or attractive but my goal was to get all leaders in attendance to deal with their conscious and\/or subconscious shame.<\/p>\n
We started with a powerful exercise. I told them, to get at shame triggers, figure out how you want to be perceived around a specific identity. So, for example, with regards to the identity of motherhood, one might want to be perceived as calm, knowledgeable, educated and not perceived as overwhelmed, stressed out, unable to balance career and mothering. I told them to choose an identity (motherhood, fatherhood, doctor, church leader, counselor, etc.) Once they chose one of their identities, I had them write down how they want others to perceive them within their identity. I gave them my example. I am a Co-founder\/Executive Director of a counseling center. I want to be perceived as knowledgeable, caring, and able to lead well. Once they completed their task, I told them, whatever is the opposite of how you want to be perceived, most likely brings you shame. Therefore, shame can come into my life if I am perceived as unknowledgeable, uncaring, and not able to lead well. After saying this, it felt good to hear the \u201cooohhs\u201d and \u201caahhhs.\u201d They were hooked for the rest of our time together.<\/p>\n
I tell you this story because Brene Brown also believes leaders need to deal with their shame, along with other issues. Brown\u2019s book, Dare to Lead<\/em>, explores the challenges of leadership through the lens of vulnerability, courage, and empathy. She writes, \u201cDaring leaders must care for and be connected to the people they lead.\u201d1 <\/sup>Warner and Wilder in Rare Leadership <\/em>calls this \u201cremaining relational\u201d2 <\/sup>\u201cRare leaders are the ones who find relational ways to solve problems and thus, keep relationships bigger than problems.\u201d3 <\/sup>To remain relational and care for the people we lead means we look at the challenges of leadership through the lens of vulnerability, courage, and empathy.<\/p>\n It is so tempting for leaders who want to gain the trust of their team to feel tempted by perfection, to have all the answers, never make mistakes, never mess-up, and always make the right decisions. Brown calls this \u201cArmored Leadership\u201d4 <\/sup>Armored leadership comes from \u201chaving to be the \u2018knower\u2019 or always being right.\u201d5 <\/sup>This is one of the main reasons I chose my topic for last weekend\u2019s leadership conference. In my opinion, it\u2019s easy for all types of leaders to feel we need to be the one who has the answers. It makes us look and feel competent or allow me to say, knowledgeable. Underneath that knower mentality just might be some shame that needs to be addressed. Brown says, \u201cIt sounds pretty easy to replace the armor of knowing with becoming a curious learner, but for many people the need to be a knower is driven by shame and for some even trauma.\u201d6 <\/sup>Woodward adds to this by saying, \u201cwe need to help leaders better identify the fingerprints of the devil in our own lives.\u201d7 <\/sup>Woodward wants to \u201cbuild immunity against the plague of domineering leadsership.\u201d8 <\/sup>It\u2019s the domineering leader who has to always be right or feels she needs to know it all. Underneath that domineering personality lies some shame. Brown\u2019s antidote to shame, vulnerability, courage, and empathy.<\/p>\n Vulnerability<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cThere is no daring leadership without vulnerability.\u201d9 <\/sup>\u201cAcross all of our data there\u2019s not a shred of empirical evidence that vulnerability is weakness.\u201d10 <\/sup>\u201cVulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, and joy.\u201d11 <\/sup>Dr. Yeager writes in his book, How Am I Doing? <\/em>\u201cMany of us resist vulnerability. But if you want to change or grow, you have to first become aware of those inner places of insecurity, weakness, and embarrassment.\u201d12 <\/sup>Once we are aware of those inner issues, it is important to name them and keep in mind that they do not define us. Even if we have struggled with a certain issue for decades. I also think it is a great idea to share our places of insecurity, weakness, and embarrassment with those we lead. This will help work through the shame.<\/p>\n Courage<\/strong><\/p>\n Brown talks about vulnerability and its intersection with courage. \u201cYou can\u2019t get to courage without rumbling with vulnerability.\u201d13 <\/sup>\u201cCourage is contagious. We have to cultivate a culture in which brave work, tough conversations, and whole hearts are the expectation, and armor is not necessary or rewarded.\u201d14 <\/sup>Since many and\/or most humans struggle with shame, as the leader faces her shame moments, this will give others the courage to face their shame moments. The result will be having tough conversations, whole hearts, the desire to set goals that go way beyond our understanding and capacity to lead, etc.<\/p>\n Empathy<\/strong><\/p>\n Since \u201cshame is the fear of disconnection,\u201d15 <\/sup>empathy is all about connection. \u201cI take the perspective of another person, meaning I become the listener and the student…I stay out of judgment…I try to understand what emotion they\u2019re articulating and communicate my understanding of that emotion.\u201d16 <\/sup>One of my favorite concepts in the whole book is when Brown discusses that shame grows in silence, secrecy, and judgment, but empathy dissolves shame. I believe most employees want to work for an empathetic leader. It does wonders for the atmosphere when an employee is late due to being pulled over by the police or because their dog vomited on the floor right before they had to leave, and the employee knows they will not be shamed but cared for through empathy.<\/p>\n Conclusion<\/strong><\/p>\n Brown defines a leader as \u201canyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes, and who has the courage to develop that potential.\u201d17 <\/sup>Part of developing that potential is facing shame head on and dealing with it. Susan Scott said in Fierce Leadership<\/em>, \u201cWhile no one has to change, when the conversation is real, the change often occurs before the conversation has ended.\u201d18 <\/sup>When there is vulnerability, courage, and empathy in an organization or conversation, there will be authentic relationships and change…something shame can exist in.<\/p>\n \n \n \n \n \n \n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Last weekend, I had the opportunity to speak at a leadership conference to medical doctors, therapists, and social workers. Whenever I am given the freedom to choose my topic, I always try to choose a topic my audience is not expecting but I know they need to wrestle with. 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