First, to my cohort and leaders, I have been suffering from a strange and sudden bout of vertigo for the last 24 hours. I’m not sure what’s going on. I am doing my best to create a blog that flows and makes sense. I hope I am achieving that\u2014this is the best I can come up with at this moment\u2026<\/p>\n
I was standing in my garage thirty-plus years ago, and my sister called me on the long extension cord phone (Mind you, she is a marriage and family therapist). When I said hello, she said, “Hi, brother, how are you? I immediately said, “Doing great, you?”<\/p>\n
Then she called me out, saying, “No, you aren’t,” it hurt.<\/p>\n
It hurt because it was the truth. The company I owned was struggling big time. My soon-to-be ex-wife and I were not getting along well. We were losing our home and were struggling financially. I knew my life with my two daughters would probably end soon, and it was breaking my heart. Life really sucked. But no matter how hard life was, I wore the “everything is doing great!!” mask for everyone I spoke to and met. My answer to my sister was, “If I don’t stay positive through all of this, who will?” Not much of an answer. Everything crashed, as expected, three weeks later, and a hard and sad road for a season began.<\/p>\n
Why do we do that? Why do people wear masks? Why can’t leaders just be real with people? Walker’s book “Leading Out of Who You Are” perfectly explains how being vulnerable and authentic in relationships is important for leadership and offers solutions for dealing with challenges. Obviously, there is much more to it, but the bottom line is that it shows leaders how to be human.<\/p>\n
How does a leader learn to be real with those around her? In “A Failure of Nerve,” Friedman writes: “The capacity to take responsibility for one’s own being and destiny requires integrity, which in this context means not only honesty but being “put together well.” [1] I do think it starts with Integrity. Integrity can take away the fear of trying to be something you aren’t. In our house, Nancy and I always talk about “doing the next best thing.” That’s the result of living with Integrity. No fear about what others think – be true to yourself. Walker writes: “Freedom to lead depends on us finding a source of unconditional approval that is not jeopardized by our performance.” [2]<\/p>\n
Is it that simple? I think not. We all come from trauma of some sort. We all wrestle with our own degree of shame. Walker writes: “I often deal with leaders who suffer anxiety or guilt because a part of their lives doesn’t match the rest.” [3] How do we approach those under our leadership and expose our vulnerability to them?<\/p>\n
I sat in awe years ago while I was an usher during a lead pastor’s prayer meeting for the Calvary Chapel movement, and during some quiet time, one of the pastors started sobbing. As all the other pastors gathered around him, he confessed to having a porn addiction. It was a touching moment of prayer and grace, but at the same time, human reality. It is not that we need to confess our sins to those we are leading, but that a dose of being real with them and letting them see your struggles makes one more human and, I think, easier to relate to.<\/p>\n
How do we walk the fine line between Erving Goffman’s idea of front stage\/backstage?[4] We want and need to present well to gain the confidence of our audience. But where the humanness and vulnerability come out is in the shadows, on the backstage. The idea of being transparent and genuine while also being able to adapt to different situations and people is a key part of the undefended leadership style. The problem for leaders is how to do it (and I am still learning).<\/p>\n
What did I learn from the call out my sister did to me? (besides, next time, let it go to voicemail), I knew that I needed to be vulnerable. I can share stories all day and night, but letting people into my world is very hard for me. I tend to like the front stage much more than the back.<\/p>\n
1 Edwin H. Friedman. A Failure of Nerve<\/i>\u00a0(New York: Church Publishing, 2017), 117<\/p>\n
2 Simon Walker. Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership ( <\/i>Carlisle: Piquant, 2007), 131<\/p>\n
3 Ibid., 125<\/p>\n
4 Ibid., 112<\/p>\n
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