{"id":36594,"date":"2024-03-13T11:29:00","date_gmt":"2024-03-13T18:29:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/?p=36594"},"modified":"2024-03-16T11:30:04","modified_gmt":"2024-03-16T18:30:04","slug":"confessions-of-a-drama-mama","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/confessions-of-a-drama-mama\/","title":{"rendered":"Confessions of a Drama Mama"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was a drama mama.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

For five years, during our daughter’s first year in high school, and all four of our younger son’s years, I was backstage for the two major productions each year.<\/span><\/p>\n

I confess that I was at least partly living out my own unrealized teenage dreams of being in a play, experiencing the camaraderie, excitement, and adrenaline rush of performance and performance preparations. I was (and still am) a musician, so my teenage schedule was already full enough; I didn’t have time for our high school plays, except to be in the pit orchestra for the spring musical.<\/span><\/p>\n

As a drama mama, I helped wherever I could during the last frenetic week of rehearsals before the big stage productions. Most often I was assigned to do the boys\u2019 makeup.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This was an unexpectedly intimate experience. I had to quite literally get into each boy’s face, touch his skin, and often say, \u201cLook me in the eyes. Let me see how it looks.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

“Marius” getting makeup for “Les Mis”.<\/p><\/div>\n

There were one or two other moms who also did boys\u2019 makeup. Each boy had a favorite mom; someone he trusted with such intimacy. These were teens, remember! (I didn’t get to apply my son, Christian’s make-up. The photo is of him getting ready to play Marius in “Les Mis” in 2014. Because he was a lead, he had a more accomplished makeup artist than me. \ud83d\ude09 )<\/span><\/p>\n

I thought of all this as I read about frontstage and backstage in Simon Walker’s book, <\/span>Leading Out of Who You Are<\/span><\/i>. Walker states,\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c…all our strategies are to do with self-presentation, or impression management.\u2019 Impression management is the selective revealing or concealing of our personal story in order to secure the response we need from our audience\u2026 the reality of the two stages is that the central experience for the leader is of living two lives: a public life frontstage and a private life backstage.\u201d [1]<\/span><\/p>\n

Walker also explains attachment theory and the ego, and uses a unique way of labeling the different attachment profiles (Shaping, Defining, Adapting, Defending), which is helpful for his presentation, though it is slightly different from labels used by attachment experts like Dan Siegel (secure, avoidant, ambivalent\/anxious, and disorganized).<\/span><\/p>\n

Some of the key points to know about attachment involve feeling safe, secure, and relaxed so the authentic self can step forward. Dan Siegel explains,\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSecure attachment involves both the differentiation of child from parent and the empathic and attuned communication between the two. Suboptimal attachment in the form of various facets of insecurity involves impediments to this differentiation and linkage\u2026 When such impairments have occurred, the child is left with a compromised regulatory system, because self-regulation depends upon neural integration. In insecure attachment, learning to be a fully present self-in-relationship has not been a capacity acquired on a regular basis. Instead, various understandable adaptive mechanisms may have been acquired\u2026\u201d [2]<\/span><\/p>\n

We\u2019ll come back to that \u201cself-in-relationship\u201d in a moment.<\/span><\/p>\n

A greater understanding of Self – that is, greater self-awareness and self-knowledge – is necessary to recognize the difference between the authentic self and the inauthentic or false self. Richard Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) defines the Self as, \u201can essence of calm, clarity, compassion, and connectedness.\u201d [3] He adds, \u201cI can say with certainty that the Self is in everybody. Furthermore, the Self cannot be damaged, the Self doesn\u2019t have to develop, and the Self possess its own wisdom about how to heal internal as well as external relationships.\u201d [4]<\/span><\/p>\n

I applied these ideas immediately, while I was still reading Walker’s book.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I met with my coaching client this week, \u201cWill\u201d. He’s not in what most people would call \u201cleadership positions,\u201d but he sees me because he struggles with confidence and calmness in most relationships. In other words, his frontstage.<\/span><\/p>\n

I brought the idea of a frontstage and backstage to Will. I explained that the backstage is where we learn to feel safe, secure, and relaxed. It\u2019s where we can be our authentic Self. Backstage we can take sabbath time; practice somatic calmness over and over so we can call it up in times of stress; learn more about Self; and engage in safe, intimate relationships, as I did in my role as makeup artist for the boys. That\u2019s what the backstage is for, as Walker reminds us. We need to have that time out of the public eye that keeps us connected to who God created us to be.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As I explained this to Will, he understood the difference immediately. In answer to my question, he identified that he spends most of his time backstage; and when he is frontstage, he struggles with reacting instead of responding. So we talked about some ways he can practice calmness and connectedness backstage so he can gain confidence to be his calm, thoughtful true Self even when he\u2019s in public. It will help him advocate for his own needs and build more beautiful relationships. And that\u2019s just it; we are only self-aware in relation to other human beings <\/span>Ray Anderson writes, <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe core of the self is not grounded in individual self-consciousness but in openness of being toward the other\u2026 The self becomes \u2018singular\u2019 in relation with other persons. In other words, our individuality is derived out of relationship. Rather than losing our identity in a relationship, we are meant to discover it and have it affirmed,\u201d [5]<\/span><\/p>\n

As Christians, we believe that the Self is led by the Holy Spirit: “I will ask the Father and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth… You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you” (John 14:16-17). Christian IFS therapists Alison Cook and Kimberly Miller write,\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou can play an active role in connecting the troubled parts of yourself to the Holy Spirit who dwells inside of you\u2026 in partnership with God you can befriend and lead the unruly parts of your soul into an abundant life (John 10:10)… God as given you agency. He invites you to participate in the work he is doing in your life. Your task is to trust neither your thoughts nor your feelings, but to <\/span>lead<\/span><\/i> them in step with God\u2019s Spirit. As you do, you can turn the most challenging parts of your soul into your gretatest allies.\u201d [6]<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Bar scene in “Les Mis”.<\/p><\/div>\n

It is necessary to embrace both our frontstage and backstage selves. We need moments offstage to connect with our authentic Self, to find calmness, and to nurture our relationships in healthy ways. By understanding and honoring our backstage, where we can be true to who God created us to be, we can cultivate confidence, advocate for our needs, and be prepared by the Holy Spirit to build meaningful connections in the spotlight on the frontstage.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

================<\/span><\/p>\n

1 – Simon P. Walker,<\/span> Leading Out of Who You Are; Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership. The Undefended Leader, 1<\/span><\/i> (Carlisle, UK: Piquant Editions, 2007), 26-27.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

2 – Daniel J. Siegel, <\/span>The Developing Mind; How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are<\/span><\/i> (New York: The Guilford Press, 2020), 433.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

3 – Richard C. Schwartz, <\/span>No Bad Parts; Healing Traua & Restoring Wholeness with The Internal Family Systems Model<\/span><\/i> (Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True, 2021), 1.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

4 – Schwartz, 22-23.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

5 – Ray S. Anderson, <\/span>Self Care; A Theology of Personal Empowerment & Spiritual Healing<\/span><\/i> (Eugene, OR: WIPF & Stock, 2010), 26.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

6 – Alison Cook, Kimberly Miller, <\/span>Boundaries for Your Soul; How to Turn Your Overwhelming Thoughts and Feelings into Your Greatest Allies<\/span><\/i> (Nashville, TN: Nelson Books, 2018), 23.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was a drama mama.\u00a0 For five years, during our daughter’s first year in high school, and all four of our younger son’s years, I was backstage for the two major productions each year. I confess that I was at least partly living out my own unrealized teenage dreams of being in a play, experiencing […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":197,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[2967,1718],"class_list":["post-36594","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-dlgp03","tag-walker","cohort-dlgp03"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36594","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/197"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=36594"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36594\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":36810,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36594\/revisions\/36810"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=36594"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=36594"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=36594"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}