{"id":36068,"date":"2024-02-22T16:43:57","date_gmt":"2024-02-23T00:43:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/?p=36068"},"modified":"2024-11-21T10:50:04","modified_gmt":"2024-11-21T18:50:04","slug":"hope-in-the-manure-pile","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/hope-in-the-manure-pile\/","title":{"rendered":"Hope in the Manure Pile"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cThey are stuck in their own manure pile, and they want everyone else to join them. They\u2019re not even trying to get out; they just want to fling their poop around and pull people in!\u201d<\/p>\n

I was figuratively talking about people who were playing the victim role (again). This was not the most articulate or professional analogy I could have used. To my credit, I only used it with a few trusted friends (and now you, the reader). During this crappy season, the manure pile analogy became a coping mechanism. It helped to elicit giggles rather than tears and even gave me some compassion for those stuck in figurative poop.<\/p>\n

According to Friedman\u2019s A Failure of Nerve<\/em>,[1]<\/a> I was experiencing the chaos and dysfunction from \u201cchronic anxiety\u201d in my \u201cfamily.\u201d[2]<\/a> Friedman describes five characteristics that emerge in these situations:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Reactivity\u2014 \u201can intense [response] of each member to events and to one another.\u201d[3]<\/a><\/li>\n
  2. The Herd Instinct: where the value of the whole is more important than promoting individualism and separation.[4]<\/a><\/li>\n
  3. Blame Displacement: putting the responsibility on someone or something else rather than taking personal responsibility.[5]<\/a><\/li>\n
  4. The Quick-Fix Mentality: focusing on removing or relieving the symptom rather than finding and making changes emotionally.[6]<\/a><\/li>\n
  5. Poorly Differentiated Leadership: unable to fulfill the vision, controlled by crises, not taking a definitive stance, and limited self-awareness to deal with resistance.[7]<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    I will respond more to these five characteristics, but first, let\u2019s look at the relationship dynamics that are a part of these \u201cchronic anxiety\u201d situations. One of these dynamics Friedman identifies is \u201cemotional triangles.\u201d This is the idea that relationships come in groups of three and, with it, emotional challenges. For example, a common emotional triangle is the parent-child-parent relationship. Honestly, I struggled to fully grasp the extent of this concept. Overall, it seemed to overlap with Stephen Karpman\u2019s drama triangle.[8]<\/a><\/p>\n

    \"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

    In the drama triangle, there are three people in a relationship: the victim, who feels sorry for himself; the persecutor (or villain), who blames the victim and rescuer for the problem; and the rescuer (or hero), who comes in to save the day for the victim, enabling the victim and leaving them powerless. People can easily change roles depending on the circumstances.<\/p>\n

    In the manure pile scenario, I was labeled the villain by the victim (those in the poop) and their heroes (the ones getting pulled into the pile). I, in turn, could have chosen to be a victim, called a hero, and put everyone else in the villain category. However, I had wise counsel directing me to Scripture that encourages us to look beyond our circumstances and focus on the eternal perspective.[9]<\/a> I chose to step out of the drama triangle and instead enter The Empowerment Dynamic (TED).[10]<\/a><\/p>\n

    \"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

    TED is the alternative to this victim-villain-hero cycle. It is also a triangle, but it encourages creativity, choice, and change. TED has a creator, a coach, and a challenger. The creator replaces the victim, choosing to look at what they can change rather than the circumstances. The challenger replaces the villain and encourages the creator toward change and growth. The coach replaces the hero, empowering and supporting the creator to learn more about self.[11]<\/a><\/p>\n

    The “challengers” in this situation encouraged me to make a change. My coaches asked me hard questions to process my choices and empowered me to focus on my God-given mission.\u00a0 As the creator, I made the choice to step away from the drama and charter new waters. It was terrifying and liberating at the same time. Through this entire process, I was developing healthy rhythms and habits to counter \u201cchronic anxiety\u201d characteristics. These helped me flip that drama triangle and embrace TED. Here are my top ones:<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Response in due time, instead of reactivity: saying, \u201cI will get back to you about…\u201d<\/li>\n
    2. Carefully articulated personal needs and boundaries countered the Herd Instinct.<\/li>\n
    3. Owning my part, regardless of how big or small it is, replaced blame.<\/li>\n
    4. Intentional time in prayer to determine the next step removed the \u201cquick fix mentality.\u201d<\/li>\n
    5. I owned who God designed me to be rather than be poorly differentiated.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Friedman believed that to change \u201cchronic anxiety,\u201d one must first fix themselves.[12]<\/a> Scripture also teaches we must examine our own hearts first.[13]<\/a> Friedman offers a theory; the Bible offers eternal hope. That hope gave me the courage to step away from the manure pile. The situation was not a pleasant one, but it helped me on my journey to becoming a differentiated leader. Most importantly, it strengthened my walk with God.<\/p>\n

      Now what? I will continue my journey of becoming a differentiated leader, staying far away from other peoples\u2019 manure piles. I live in a multicultural, multiethnic city with people from many different backgrounds and cultures, but \u201cchronic anxiety\u201d crosses cultures because people are the same inside. I cannot change others, but I can continue to grow personally. For those around me, I can be a coach and challenger on their TED discovery.\u00a0 May God use these interactions as a bridge to introduce them to the hope found in Christ.<\/p>\n

      ____________________________________<\/p>\n

      [1]<\/a> Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix<\/em>, ed. Margaret M. Treadwell and Edward W. Beal, 10th anniversary revised edition (New York: Church Publishing, 2017).<\/p>\n

      [2]<\/a> Friedman uses \u201cfamily\u201d to describe multiple relationships from family to organizational structures.<\/p>\n

      [3]<\/a> Friedman, A Failure of Nerve, 99<\/em>.<\/p>\n

      [4]<\/a> Ibid, 105.<\/p>\n

      [5]<\/a> Ibid, 117.<\/p>\n

      [6]<\/a> Ibid, 126.<\/p>\n

      [7]<\/a> Ibid, 133.<\/p>\n

      [8]<\/a> Krishna Chodipilli, \u201cThe Drama Triangle Explained,\u201d Leadership Tribe US<\/em> (blog), December 4, 2020, https:\/\/leadershiptribe.com\/blog\/the-drama-triangle-explained.<\/p>\n

      [9]<\/a> See James 1:2-4, 1 Peter 1:7, and Philippians 4:11-13.<\/p>\n

      [10]<\/a> \u201cTransform Everyday Drama: TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic),\u201d Center for The Empowerment Dynamic<\/em> (blog), December 31, 2021, https:\/\/theempowermentdynamic.com\/about\/.<\/p>\n

      [11]<\/a> Ibid.<\/p>\n

      [12]<\/a> Friedman, A Failure of Nerve, 12<\/em>.<\/p>\n

      [13]<\/a> See Matthew 7:3-5.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      \u201cThey are stuck in their own manure pile, and they want everyone else to join them. They\u2019re not even trying to get out; they just want to fling their poop around and pull people in!\u201d I was figuratively talking about people who were playing the victim role (again). This was not the most articulate or […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":206,"featured_media":36075,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[2967,236],"class_list":["post-36068","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-dlgp03","tag-friedman","cohort-dlgp03"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36068","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/206"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=36068"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36068\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":39599,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36068\/revisions\/39599"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/36075"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=36068"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=36068"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=36068"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}