{"id":36035,"date":"2024-02-21T17:32:39","date_gmt":"2024-02-22T01:32:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/?p=36035"},"modified":"2024-02-22T05:40:37","modified_gmt":"2024-02-22T13:40:37","slug":"threshold-failure","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/threshold-failure\/","title":{"rendered":"Threshold Failure"},"content":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s been over ten years now since I served at Metanoia Community Development Corporation.\u00a0 I started as Director of Elementary Leadership program just after coming back to the United States from South Korea. I\u2019d spent a year teaching at a Christian school in Incheon, and wanted to continue working in a faith based environment.\u00a0 The best part of this role was the freedom to be five-years-old again.\u00a0 It was actually my job to play with children.\u00a0 I loved it!\u00a0 More, I respected and admired the leadership style of my supervisor, Reverend Bill Stanfield. He modeled servant leadership with authentic humility and it was through him that I learned what grace looked like in action and how to see others through the eyes of God.<\/span><\/p>\n

We had weekly meetings every Wednesday and alternated each meeting with the business of the organization and the process of being a leader within the organization.\u00a0 The process meetings included book discussions which is where I came to understand and appreciate self-differentiation as discussed by <\/span>Edwin H. Friedman in <\/span>A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0 Friedman\u2019s systems perspective on leadership impacted me differently a decade later. For one, I\u2019m not currently serving in a leadership role so I\u2019m not reading to boost my leadership development skills as an employee. Instead, I am currently living in crisis mode so my pain threshold is at a different level, testing how much leadership skill I have developed.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry to say that during this particular season, I don\u2019t feel very differentiated. I feel like I\u2019m failing, my nerves are shot and I am full of anxiety because I know there is no quick fix.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I grew up in a dysfunctional family.\u00a0 I tried my best to make sure my children did not experience the same, but Friedman showed me that I didn\u2019t do so well with my son.\u00a0 Looking at the five characteristics of a dysfunctional group, I nailed three on the head: [1]<\/span><\/p>\n

Reactivity<\/b>: I entered into vicious cycles of intense reactions when dealing with my son\u2019s behavior.\u00a0 I took it personal, interpreting his actions as a direct attack on me, which broke the connection.\u00a0 My emotional baggage and his childhood trauma crashed into each other, deepening both our wounds.<\/span><\/p>\n

A quick-fix mentality<\/b>: To numb the emotions, we\u2019d each retreat to our corners for a day or two, both latching onto technology to distract our thoughts and soothe our emotions.\u00a0 This isolation gave quick relief but added depth to the divide, leaving the disconnection open wide.\u00a0 Unresolved anger made the pain easy to enflame, and lowered my threshold to feel it.\u00a0 Each behavioral episode was met with less tolerance and greater indifference.\u00a0 The dysfunction became normal. Rather than seek fundamental change, we decided, \u201cThat\u2019s just what he does. Deal with it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Lack of well-differentiated leadership – <\/b>Fear froze the emotional process of regulating my own anxiety. The fear of not being able to fix his behavior and the fear of what might happen to him if I don\u2019t fix it hardened how I saw him, how I saw myself.\u00a0 I was afraid of how his behavior reflected on me. I confused the line between where I end and he begins.<\/span><\/p>\n

I thought about calling Reverend Bill to talk through my family\u2019s situation.\u00a0 He and his wife had adopted two of their own children and understood the challenges.\u00a0 I wanted to tell him about my decision, get his thoughts and prayers, but mostly I just wanted to hear affirmation:\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s going to be okay.\u00a0 You can do this. I have faith in you.<\/span><\/i>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t yet called because what I want would mean being vulnerable and admitting my failure to be a well-differentiated leader.\u00a0 I\u2019d have to concede that I can\u2019t do this alone anymore. Friedman identifies this as a major limitation. \u201c<\/span>It is more than a fear of criticism. It is anxiety at being alone, of being in a position where one can rely little on others, a position that puts one\u2019s own resources to the test, a position where one will have to take total responsibility for one\u2019s own response to the environment. Leaders must not only not be afraid of that position; they must come to love it.\u201d[2] Right now this \u201clove\u201d that Friedman speaks of feels a bit masochistic.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I am not loving the emotional pain and mental anguish.\u00a0 I am drunk with dread having \u201cimbided\u201d on data that reflect possible negative impacts of my decision. [3] Yet, Friedman suggests we cozy right up to the dread and anguish if we want to be free. \u201cWhether we are considering a toothache, a tumor, a relational bind, a technical problem, crime, or the economy, most individuals and most social systems, irrespective of their culture, gender, or ethnic background, will \u201cnaturally\u201d choose or revert to chronic conditions of bearable pain rather than face the temporarily more intense anguish of acute conditions that are the gateway to becoming free.\u201d [4]\u00a0 I did choose to adopt my son as a single parent, knowing it would be painful at times, but bearable.\u00a0 Reverend Bill would confirm this about me: I have a tendency to take on difficult challenges even though I know it will cause pain.\u00a0 So am I masochist or am I unconsciously building gateways to build freedom?\u00a0 Freedom from what?<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s a question for my therapist. \u201cBut what is clear about pain universally is this: To the extent that we are motivated to get on with life, we seem to be able to tolerate more pain; in other words, our threshold seems to increase. Conversely, to the extent that we are unmotivated to get out of our chair, our threshold seems to go down.\u201d [5] I\u2019m not sure that my threshold has leveled-up to higher limits, or I have simply reached my limit. I also don\u2019t like what this hints at in relation to what I discussed in a previous post about Black women and pain thresholds.\u00a0 Did I take on this challenge because I\u2019m trying to live up to the \u201csuperwoman myth\u201d of Black women? Or did I sabotage myself, trying too hard to build a functional family? Another question to ask at the next session.<\/span><\/p>\n

There was no way to expect that my child would be well-differentiated and regulate his anxiety.\u00a0 It was my job to be a non-anxious presence. It was my responsibility to be a well-differentiated leader.\u00a0 I failed, thus the crisis. \u00a0 In the interim between now and the coming solution I can better differentiate my identity, and reconnect with him differently.\u00a0 I think perhaps I\u2019ll try to figure out a way to just play with him. \u201cA major criterion for judging the anxiety level of any society is the loss of its capacity to be playful.\u201d [6] Assuming Friedman is right, maybe remembering how to play will help both of us. Though not what I planned for when I chose to mother to this child, I trust in God\u2019s grace and pray that a simple act of play can help me see my son through His eyes. But first, I think I\u2019ll make that call to Reverend Bill.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

[1] Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix<\/em> (New York: Seabury Books, 2007).<\/p>\n

[2] Ibid<\/p>\n

[3] Ibid<\/p>\n

[4] Ibid<\/p>\n

[5] Ibid<\/p>\n

[6] Ibid<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s been over ten years now since I served at Metanoia Community Development Corporation.\u00a0 I started as Director of Elementary Leadership program just after coming back to the United States from South Korea. I\u2019d spent a year teaching at a Christian school in Incheon, and wanted to continue working in a faith based environment.\u00a0 The […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":192,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[3070],"class_list":["post-36035","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-failure-of-nerve-self-differentiation-leadership","cohort-dlgp03"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36035","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/192"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=36035"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36035\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":36055,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36035\/revisions\/36055"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=36035"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=36035"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=36035"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}