We were stuck on a treadmill that just kept gaining in speed and increasing in incline. I do not even know how long my wife and I were on that treadmill, months, years, a decade probably. We knew adopting kids would be hard. Yet, we had no idea what we were really getting into. We have never regretted our decision to bring three children with significant loss and trauma into our lives. We just never foresaw how God would shape and change us so much through the process. Being an adoptive father has allowed me to see the ugliness and insecurities in my own heart.<\/p>\n
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It took other people in our lives to recognize the relationship issues we were having with our son that Friedman describes as triangular.[1]<\/a> We entered family therapy designed for kids with attachment trauma and we finally stepped off the treadmill. I was way past the point of exhaustion. Many of our parenting skills were based on parenting the way we grew up as kids or based on what was working with our biological kids. However, kids with a hard beginning to life and attachment trauma need to be parented in a different way. For example, while one kid might have electronics taken away for a day, our son might be given all their electronics to play all day long. Though it might not seem fair, it allows us, the parents, to be back in control. The ongoing challenge is what works one week does not work the next and we constantly must adapt our leadership in parenting.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When I stepped off the treadmill two years ago, I began to focus more on my own self differentiation. I learned to develop a less anxious presence and keep my own emotions in check.[2]<\/a> I did not realize that we were closely following much of what Friedman recommends, I was simply doing what the therapist suggested. This book has been helpful to understand some of the reasons behind what we have been working on.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I released the idea that my son\u2019s behavior was a reflection on me, which I had held tightly. When I let go of this idea, everything started to change, and we began to see progress in the right direction.[3]<\/a> The challenge with this is our church culture seems to place a very high regard on how well parents raise their children and church leadership criteria is often based on passages like 1 Timothy 3:4 and how well fathers keep their children in line. (I do think there are significant cultural caveats to this.)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Over the last few months, I have been working on my own non-anxious presence as I raise my son. The mornings are particularly hard and so I have developed routines to help ease the tension that often builds. I get up an hour and a half earlier than him. I spend time in the word and prayer. I play worship music; I light candles and I burn incense to start the day off. Without intentionally trying to, I realize that I have tried to make the morning a peaceful time with a multi-sensory approach. Friedman states, “Differentiation is maintaining a non-anxious presence in the face of anxious others.”[4]<\/a> One thing our son truly needs is to feel a sense of belonging in our family and peace in our home.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Friedman\u2019s process only goes so far and focuses more on the neurological and societal aspects of chronic anxiety. Yet, as followers of Jesus, we must heavily consider how being image bearers of God affects this as well. In a podcast interview between a neurologically focused theologian and a professor at Portland Seminary, Dr. Morse states, \u201cSo it’s not just a non-anxious presence, as like Friedman talks about. It’s much more a deep-centered understanding that we are rooted in Christ and through Christ.\u201d[5]<\/a> I do not simply want to be a non-anxious presence with my son, I want to be the presence of Christ lived out through me. Dr. Morse adds, \u201cbut it’s symbolic of the power of that presence (Jesus\u2019) to regulate a room, regulate a room and then actually after that, if that’s done long enough, if there’s a loving, open resonance over time, it actually changes people.\u201d[6]<\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n After finishing this book last night, there was a passionate discussion going on in the house. I stepped into the discussion with the amount of self-differentiation needed and had a calm non-anxious presence. The discussion certainly could have tipped over the edge into argument. Thankfully, it did not. Our son accepted the boundaries that were set without falling into an emotional response but was able to maintain a level of cognitive thinking even though it was not something he wanted to hear.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n We still go to therapy weekly. We still struggle daily. Yet, we are no longer on the treadmill. Instead, through the process of Christ working on my self there has been slow yet forward momentum.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n —————————————————<\/p>\n [1]<\/a> Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix<\/em>, ed. Margaret M. Treadwell and Edward W. Beal, 10th anniversary revised edition (New York: Church Publishing, 2017), 218.<\/p>\n [2]<\/a> Friedman, 15.<\/p>\n [3]<\/a> Friedman, 4.<\/p>\n [4]<\/a> Friedman, 195.<\/p>\n