{"id":35985,"date":"2024-02-21T10:00:38","date_gmt":"2024-02-21T18:00:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/?p=35985"},"modified":"2024-02-21T08:50:38","modified_gmt":"2024-02-21T16:50:38","slug":"going-to-the-balcony","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/going-to-the-balcony\/","title":{"rendered":"Going To The Balcony"},"content":{"rendered":"

When I read A Failure of Nerve,<\/em> by Edwin Friedman, I thought I was only going to write on pastoral leadership. However, the book struck a more personal nerve for me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Two and a half years ago Wendy and I made a decision that would alter our lives significantly. We moved my mom and aunt, both widowed, from British Columbia to Alberta. We purchased a home a block away from our house and helped these two women in their eighties to move in. We knew it would be a lot, but we didn\u2019t realize how demanding it would be. After a geriatric assessment, we found out that both women have dementia. Trying to manage their complex medical conditions, their cognitive decline, unhealthy relational patterns, and unreasonable expectations just about sent us over the edge. Our highly demanding lives suddenly became even more complex and more stressful. Every conversation with these ladies ended in frustration as there seemed to be no reasoning with them. Wendy has done a lot of research on dementia and Alzheimer\u2019s and has found the acronym CART to be a helpful reminder. CART reminds one not to Criticize, Argue, Reason or Test when you\u2019re with someone who is struggling cognitively. It\u2019s just going to end badly. Being in a relationship with someone who is struggling with cognitive decline, especially as a family member, is challenging as we try to help them navigate the difficult transitions from independence to supportive living. A path not willingly embraced, but necessary. \u00a0We can feel like we are drowning almost every day as we pay bills, drive them to doctor\u2019s appointments, sit with them in the Emergency at the hospital for a weekend, celebrate birthdays, manage their unrealistic expectations of what life should look like, displeasing them with difficult decisions, and all while still trying to honour them and maintain their dignity. My wife is amazing at it. She is supporting her mother-in-law and her aunt-in-law. \u201cDON\u2019T CART\u201d, we remind one another when we\u2019re struggling to remain calm and not get drawn into the swirl of unreasonableness, anxiousness, argumentativeness, and blaming. It\u2019s hard because, if I\u2019m brutally honest, I WANT TO CART!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In A Failure of Nerve<\/em>\u00a0Friedman maintains that leaders fail because they get drawn into the swirl of anxiety and emotional reactivity found in most relational networks and systems.[1]<\/a> When leaders lack the nerve and presence to stand firm amid an unhealthy system, be it family or society, they contribute to the eventual disintegration of that system. [2]<\/a> \u201cLeadersmithing\u201d,<\/em> by Eve Poole, took the apprenticeship approach to leadership, practicing the craft of leadership built on a foundation of character.[3]<\/a> Friedman , however, believes that leadership is not as much about skill and technique but more about an emotional process that can sabotage good leadership.[4]<\/a> The kind of leadership that is effective, in his mind, arises from a \u201cself-differentiated\u201d leader. The self-differentiated leader, he writes, \u201ccan be separate while remaining connected, and therefore can maintain a modifying, non-anxious, and sometimes challenging presence. I mean someone who can manage his or her own reactivity in response to the automatic reactivity of others and, therefore, be able to take stands at the risk of displeasing.\u201d[5]<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Remaining separate yet connected can be most challenging for me as a son and as a leader. As I deal with challenging situations at home and work, I find that I need more than \u201cDON\u2019T CART\u201d to deal with my inner life in the moment. What do I do when negative emotions are threatening to pull me under? Negotiation expert, William Ury writes that in highly charged situations, \u201cWe forget our purpose and often act exactly contrary to our interests\u2026we give away our power – our power to influence the other person constructively and to change the situation for the better.\u201d[6]<\/a> That sounds a lot like Friedman. He encourages leaders to go to a place of emotional and mental calm amid the sabotage. He calls this place of perspective \u201cthe balcony\u201d in which we can see everything unfolding before us. It\u2019s a place of observation rather than reactivity. The balcony is not a place of retreat or avoidance but a place of self-observation which notices fear, anxiety, and other negative emotions that arise inwardly. These emotions are not to be judged, but rather to be identified with empathy. Once we notice these negative emotions, we are better able to choose a more positive path forward, rather than be driven by them.[7]<\/a> \u00a0Friedman writes, \u201cMature leadership begins with the leader\u2019s capacity to take responsibility for his or her own emotional being and destiny.\u201d[8]<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I have found that going to the balcony is difficult when the pressure is on. However, I found that it can be cultivated through regular practice during times of prayer and meditation in the quiet hours of the morning. The psalmist invites God, \u201cSearch me,\u00a0God, and know my heart test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way\u00a0in me and lead me\u00a0in the way everlasting.\u201d (Psalm 139.23,24 NIV) This regular time in the presence of the Lord has been a lifeline for me as a daily practice. It\u2019s a reminder that I don\u2019t have to go to the balcony alone to observe my life. Rather, I recognize the presence of God, when I feel sabotaged, and invite him to forgive, restore and transform. It can then become more natural, when being sabotaged, to invite God to do the same amidst a challenge.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Can we grow or are there just certain people who are more self-differentiated than others? Friedman writes, that being self-differentiated is not easily accomplished and that most leaders need to develop this.[9]<\/a> This gives me hope when I falter. In my daily prayer practice, I regularly invite God to forgive resentment and anger. I confess to giving in to those negative emotions when I want to remain non-anxious. I also write down what I need to watch out for as I face the day. I note what might just trip me up so that I can be prepared. As I do this, I recognize growth in my life. I recognize more maturity, less anxiety, and more separation from family members while staying connected to them. I can love and serve them better when I\u2019m more self-differentiated. I\u2019m increasingly in a better place, not because my circumstances have changed. They\u2019re getting more complex. However, I note in my journal, it seems that God is doing something internally as I go to the balcony.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

While A Failure of Nerve<\/em> has been applied personally this week, I also recognize the valuable leadership lessons for those who are seeking to lead churches. In fact, this informs my NPO, which seeks to equip pastoral leaders to become more collaborative. Understanding family systems and self-differentiation are concepts worth exploring as I consider how to better equip leaders to influence the ministries that they lead.<\/p>\n

[1]<\/a> Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix<\/em>, ed. Margaret M. Treadwell and Edward W. Beal, 10th anniversary revised edition (New York: Church Publishing, 2017), 15.<\/p>\n

[2]<\/a> Friedman, 15.<\/p>\n

[3]<\/a> Eve Poole, Leadersmithing: An Apprenticeship Approach to Making Great Leaders<\/em> (London\u202f; New York, NY: Bloomsbury Business, 2017).<\/p>\n

[4]<\/a> Friedman, A Failure of Nerve<\/em>, 14.<\/p>\n

[5]<\/a> Friedman, 16.<\/p>\n

[6]<\/a> Ury.Kindle.<\/p>\n

[7]<\/a> Ury. Kindle.<\/p>\n

[8]<\/a> Friedman, A Failure of Nerve<\/em>, 215.<\/p>\n

[9]<\/a> Friedman, 16.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When I read A Failure of Nerve, by Edwin Friedman, I thought I was only going to write on pastoral leadership. However, the book struck a more personal nerve for me.   Two and a half years ago Wendy and I made a decision that would alter our lives significantly. We moved my mom and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":204,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[3011,236],"class_list":["post-35985","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-dglp03","tag-friedman","cohort-dlgp03"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35985","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/204"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=35985"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35985\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":35987,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35985\/revisions\/35987"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=35985"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=35985"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=35985"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}