{"id":35790,"date":"2024-02-13T00:33:00","date_gmt":"2024-02-13T08:33:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/?p=35790"},"modified":"2024-02-13T00:33:00","modified_gmt":"2024-02-13T08:33:00","slug":"meta-parenting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/meta-parenting\/","title":{"rendered":"Meta-parenting"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n

Parenting. There is perhaps no better example of living life on autopilot, trudging along in survival mode, foolishly trying the same solutions to problems but hoping for miraculously different results. I guess we\u2019ve all been there. I certainly saw parenting problems on every single page of Joseph Bentley\u2019s book Exploring Wicked Problems: What They Are and Why They Are Important<\/em>. Raising children is, by definition, a wicked problem, and it is even one Bentley references several times. [1]

The book includes multiple definitions and explanations of wicked problems, some coming from authors other than Joseph Bentley. As I explore parenting as a wicked problem, I\u2019ll be keeping the following characteristics in mind [2]:

1. Ill-defined and ambiguous: Most parents would say they want their children to grow up to be happy and successful. Most parents would also say they want their children to listen to them and do what they say. Parents of teenagers sometimes tell me they just hope to survive. Even those goals are ambiguous. (What is successful? How do you measure happiness?)
2. Complicated, interconnected situations, packed with potential conflict: Has anyone else ever experienced spousal conflict regarding parenting issues? No? Just me?
3. Competition for limited resources: With only 24 hours in the day, parents simply can\u2019t do it all.
4. Conflicting values, confusing and unclear expectations for how one should act: Parents receive so, so much well-meaning but unsolicited advice, not to mention unspoken or self-imposed expectations.

Joseph Bentley\u2019s thesis is clear: \u201cGoing meta is among our most important skills for dealing with problems.\u201d[3] By this he means stepping back to look at our situation and our responses with a critical eye. Stop doing what isn\u2019t working and try something different. In light of this, what would \u201cgoing meta\u201d look like for a struggling parent?

One of the first topics I discuss with parents is what I call \u201cKnowing your Why\u201d which addresses the problem of ill-defined goals that I mentioned earlier. The parents I\u2019ve worked with have come up with some interesting answers, including one mom who said she wanted her children to be happy, but she wasn\u2019t sure that was a \u201cspiritual\u201d enough goal. Personally, I have identified two \u201cwhys\u201d. Firstly, I want my children to grow into adults who have healthy relationships with others, themselves and with God. Secondly, I want them to be happy to come visit me when I\u2019m old; in other words, I want to maintain a good relationship with them as adults. Stepping back and identifying the \u201cwhy\u201d is so important for parents because it brings clarity to rest of the wicked problem.<\/p>\r\n

Parents also need meta-thinking to break out of old habits or \u201chand-me-down parenting\u201d.[4] Bentley describes how we typically fall back on previously tried remedies and isn\u2019t that so often true as parents? We rely on whatever reactions, punishments, consequences or values our parents used in raising us, at least until we slow down and make the conscious choice to do something differently. This calls to mind Daniel Kahneman\u2019s work in Thinking, Fast and Slow<\/em> in the way we default to whatever reactions or patterns feel easy and natural. [5] Kahneman, like Bentley, might counsel parents to slow down, reflect and rationally chose the most effective course of action for their children.<\/p>\r\n

There is one final point where I want to connect Bentley to my work with parents. He writes, \u201cOf course, the problem is us. We are always present in all our problems, big or small, tame or wicked.\u201d[6] This idea was especially poignant to me, as a significant part of my parenting journey has been seeing my own weakness and leaning on God\u2019s grace in the midst of the challenges. Whatever form my final project takes, I want to build upon a foundation of spiritual transformation of the parent. I am convinced that as we allow God to grow us, refine our character and produce the fruit of the Spirit in us, we will grow to be more effective, thriving parents.<\/p>\r\n

To conclude, I\u2019ll return to Bentley who sums it up so well when he says, \u201cOur challenge is twofold: to make changes in ourselves while at the same time we are making changes in the world.\u201d[7]

__________________________________________<\/p>\r\n

1 Bentley, Joseph.\u00a0Exploring Wicked Problems: What They Are and Why They Are Important<\/em>. IN: Archway Publishing, 2020. 26.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

2 Ibid., 12.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

3 Ibid., 61.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

4 Sheila Gregoire, \u201cBare Marriage: Episode 175: Connection not Punishment with Wendy Snyder,\u201d May 12, 2022.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

5 Daniel Kahneman, Thinking, Fast and Slow<\/em>, Penguin Psychology (London: Penguin Books, 2012).<\/p>\r\n

6 Bentley, Joseph.\u00a0Exploring Wicked Problems: What They Are and Why They Are Important<\/em>. IN: Archway Publishing, 2020. 219.<\/p>\r\n

7 Ibid., 223.<\/p>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Parenting. There is perhaps no better example of living life on autopilot, trudging along in survival mode, foolishly trying the same solutions to problems but hoping for miraculously different results. I guess we\u2019ve all been there. I certainly saw parenting problems on every single page of Joseph Bentley\u2019s book Exploring Wicked Problems: What They Are […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":186,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2310],"tags":[3052],"class_list":["post-35790","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-doctor-of-leadership-3","tag-bentley-dlgp02","cohort-dlgp02"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35790","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/186"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=35790"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35790\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":35793,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35790\/revisions\/35793"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=35790"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=35790"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=35790"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}