{"id":34737,"date":"2024-01-09T18:50:06","date_gmt":"2024-01-10T02:50:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/?p=34737"},"modified":"2024-01-10T13:40:28","modified_gmt":"2024-01-10T21:40:28","slug":"cross-racial-friendship-escaping-the-identity-trap","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/cross-racial-friendship-escaping-the-identity-trap\/","title":{"rendered":"Cross Racial Friendship: Escaping the Identity Trap"},"content":{"rendered":"

It was September 2020 when my friend, Adrienne, asked me to go public with our friendship. She wanted to know if we could work out some of our current difficulties in front of others on my podcast and in a workshop. Valuing her friendship more than my comfort zone, I agreed and we recorded an intense conversation three weeks later.[1]<\/a><\/sup>\u00a0Dr. Adrienne Ochs is one of my closest friends who happens to be a Black woman, mother, educator and follower of Jesus. \u00a0During the wake of racial reconciling in the summer of 2020 when George Floyd, Breonna Taylor and Ahmaud Arbery were senselessly murdered, Adrienne shut down and pulled away from our friendship (and from other White people). \u00a0When we did talk or meet, I met only with her anger and rage. \u00a0For the first time in our 13-year friendship, our willingness to be vulnerable, even if we didn\u2019t understand the other, came to a complete standstill. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Where did the understanding between us go? Would we lose the joy of mutual influence? What is genuine friendship without the gift of speaking freely?<\/span><\/p>\n

In\u00a0The Identity Trap<\/span>, Yashcha Mounk explains how a few powerfully bad ideas, propelled through institutions by people with good intentions, are causing systemic mayhem by stifling discourse and vilifying mutual influence as cultural appropriation, according to Jonathan Haidt’s review. \u00a0In other words, members of different groups cannot truly understand one another and these bad ideas insist that the way governments treat citizens should depend on the color of their skin. \u00a0This is the Identity Trap.<\/span><\/p>\n

I knew Adrienne well enough that she hadn\u2019t fallen into a victim mindset; in fact, at the core of her being was a person who always constructed what was good about others and the world. To be brutally honest, I was deeply afraid that what I saw happening in academics, cultural and political spheres was now separating close friends. Silence came over me as I was unsure how to speak my mind. On the day Adrienne asked if we could go public with our cross racial friendship and share our struggles, was the day we fought identity synthesis and its consequences.<\/span><\/p>\n

How to Understand Each Other<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

In David Brooks\u2019 newest book,\u00a0How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen<\/span>, he writes at the beginning of his journey, \u201cThe real act of, say, building a friendship or creating community involves performing a series of small, concrete social actions well: disagreeing without poisoning the relationship; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to end a conversation gracefully; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart; knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced;\u00a0knowing how to see things from another\u2019s point of view.<\/span>\u201d[2]<\/a><\/sup><\/p>\n

On the podcast, Adrienne and I openly discuss the times she told me what it was like to live in Portland, Oregon as a Black woman. When elevator doors would open and Adrienne would be standing there, she would hear a person take in a quick breath or she\u2019d see the shock in a person\u2019s eye when she would show up for work because they didn\u2019t expect a Black woman to have her PhD. \u00a0At first, I said this couldn\u2019t be true but then I believed her because she was asking me to see things from her point of view.<\/span><\/p>\n

The Joys of Mutual Influence<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Might we escape the identity trap when we are willing to see things from another\u2019s point of view? More importantly, might the joy we receive from mutually influencing one another across racial lines reduce the epidemic of loneliness our young people face? (I highly recommend David French and Curtis Chang\u2019s podcast on these topics).[3]<\/a><\/sup>\u00a0When Francis Fukuyama was interviewing Yascha Mounk on his podcast, Fukuyama asked: What\u2019s the worry about the rise of the left? Mounk talked about Anti-colonialism and the new synthesis of race, gender and sexual identification. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Then he talked about the dangers: \u201cWhen you encourage children to embrace a racial identity, think of themselves as racial beings, as a new trend and pedagogy\u2013they are going to prioritize the interests of the in-group over that of the out group. \u00a0The aim is to create an anti-racist but more likely to create racism.\u201d[4]<\/a><\/sup>\u00a0 \u00a0My vocabulary changed because of Adrienne\u2019s influence in my life. When we talk about problems of the day, we say, \u201cWhat are WE going to do about it?\u201d \u00a0It\u2019s no longer, \u201cWhat am I going to do about it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Speak Freely<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Yascha Mounk is challenging how society is attempting to right the wrongs and the reigning norms of mainstream society. \u00a0By referencing a liberal democracy as an antidote to the dysfunctions caused by Identity Synthesis, he offers us advice to make a difference. Mounk encourages us to speak freely. \u00a0He admits it can be scary to disagree with your friends and colleagues.[5]<\/a><\/sup> I want us to take this thought a step further than just speaking up against Identity Synthesis. Isn\u2019t speaking freely what\u2019s missing from the American Church? Do our circles include different groups who feel the freedom to speak freely within our White circles? \u00a0If this book has taught me anything, it\u2019s that different groups of people see the world differently, see family differently, see Church differently. When my husband, Brad, and I taught senior seminars for university seniors from 2016-2020, students slowly stopped speaking freely in class when topics like racism came up in the readings. \u00a0Afterwards, students would tell us personally that they were afraid of the fighting and the response from their peers–a kind of identity trap.<\/span><\/p>\n

Perhaps we need role models on what speaking freely might be like.<\/span><\/p>\n

Paul\u2019s words to Timothy come to mind as I reflect on speaking freely. \u00a0\u201cThe servant of The Lord must not participate in quarrels, but must be kind to everyone [even tempered, preserving peace, and [he or she] must be skilled in teaching, patient, and tolerant when wronged. \u00a0[She or he] must correct those who are in opposition with courtesy and gentleness in the hope that God may grant that they will repent and be led to the knowledge of the truth [accurately understanding and welcoming it], and that they may come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, having been held captive to do his will.\u201d[6]<\/a><\/sup><\/p>\n

\n
\n

[1]<\/a>\u00a0Apple Podcasts. \u201c\u200eReal Life With Pamela Lau on Apple Podcasts.\u201d Accessed January 9, 2024.<\/span>\u00a0<\/a><\/span>https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/real-life-with-pamela-lau\/id1470780826<\/a><\/span>.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

\n

[2]<\/a>\u00a0\u201cHow to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

[3]<\/a>\u00a0Redeeming Babel. \u201cThe After Party: Toward Better Christian Politics.\u201d\u00a0<\/span>https:\/\/redeemingbabel.org\/the-after-party\/<\/a><\/span>.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

\n

[4]<\/a>\u00a0<\/span>The Identity Trap: A Conversation with Yascha Mounk<\/span>, 2023.<\/span>\u00a0<\/a><\/span>https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=-DB0SLTl-HQ<\/a><\/span>.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

\n

[5]<\/a>\u00a0Mounk, Yascha. \u201cThe Identity Trap: A Story of Ideas and Power in Our Time.\u201d New York: Penguin Press, 2023.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

\n

[6]<\/a>\u00a0II Timothy 2: 24-26, Amplified.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It was September 2020 when my friend, Adrienne, asked me to go public with our friendship. She wanted to know if we could work out some of our current difficulties in front of others on my podcast and in a workshop. Valuing her friendship more than my comfort zone, I agreed and we recorded an […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":180,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[2975,2973,2972,2974,2957,2813,2971,776],"class_list":["post-34737","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-crossracialfriendship","tag-curtischang","tag-davidfrench","tag-howtogettoknowaperson","tag-mounk","tag-theclosingoftheamericanmind","tag-theidentitytrap","tag-david-brooks","cohort-dlgp02"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34737","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/180"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=34737"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34737\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":34763,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34737\/revisions\/34763"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=34737"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=34737"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=34737"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}