I love talking to people. It is one of my favorite things to do. I love learning people\u2019s stories. My husband and kids laugh at me when we go places because I always leave having met someone new and knowing their story. I am a talker. I always have been. As a child, my Mama used to ask me, \u201cLittle girl, do you ever get tired of talking?\u201d I would always respond, \u201cNo, ma\u2019am!\u201d She would laugh and laugh at me and my constant chatter. I believe that my love of talking has helped me learn how to listen better and over time it has helped me become a better communicator. I didn\u2019t always see the connection between the two and I definitely was not always a good listener. There was a time when I did not listen at all, I simply waited impatiently for the person to stop talking so that I could begin. I have also learned the value of silence; I will talk a little more about that later in the post.
\nHow to Be Heard- Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening was more than I expected. At this point in the semester, my focus was on finishing the last two papers and counting down the few posts left to write. I was surprised that this book caused me to spend some time thinking about some of my \u201cgo to\u201d words.
\nThe section on Danger Words really spoke to me. I frequently use \u201cbut\u201d, I speak it and I write it. Treasure writes, \u201cIt is almost always possible to replace \u2018but\u2019 with \u2018and\u2019 to the benefit of your spoken or written communication.\u201d (1) He is correct. The word replacement works. I practiced it several times before writing this blog. Going forward, I will try to be more intentional about using \u201cand\u201d instead of \u201cbut\u201d.
\nI have learned to be mindful of words that escalate the conversation. I have seen how single words can completely change the atmosphere. I try to be careful with not only my words but also my tone. I know that there are trigger words that are almost impossible to come back from. Treasure\u2019s list calls these words, maximisers, \u201cthese are the words that immediately escalate an argument, like throwing gasoline on a fire.\u201d (2) I can\u2019t tell you how many arguments I could have avoided (especially with my husband) by simply avoiding: Always, Never, Everyone, Nobody!
\nPerhaps the most impactful section of the book for me was the passages that explain the phrase, \u201cYou Made Me\u201d! I felt like I wanted to read it to at least 10 people that instantly come to mind.
\n\u201cWho makes your emotions? You do. Other people do things; you have feelings about them. If can often be very powerful to recognize this distinction and take responsibility for the feeling part, replacing the \u201cyou made me\u201d formulation with something like: \u201cWhen you did x I felt angry\/sad\/upset.\u201d In that version, the two elements are clearly separated along with the roles and responsibilities.\u201d (3)
\nHe continues by further clarifying with this beautiful statement.
\n\u201cI am not suggesting that we are responsible for all our own pain, or that its simple to generate positive emotions in the face of tragedy or cruel mistreatment. The world is unfortunately full of examples of disaster, barbarism, and inhumanity, and those suffering these things naturally feel pain, fear, grief and even hate. However, in less extreme situations it can be enormously empowering to avoid giving our power away, especially if it\u2019s a habit we have fallen into.\u201d (4)<\/p>\n
I promised that I would come back to the value of silence. Treasure makes the statement, \u201cSilence is your baseline\u201d. (5) I paused when I read it. I remember my mentor coaching me for a difficult conversation that I need to have, and she reminded me that the silence can be more powerful than words. During our coaching session I was nervous and over explaining my point. She gently reminded me to just stop talking. I have practiced it often when having to have an important conversation. I make my point and then I stop talking. It can be very disarming, especially if the person is trying to gaslight you or lure you into a conversation loop. I absolutely love the description that Treasure provides, \u201cIt\u2019s a little like eating a sorbet in the middle of a rich meal: your palate is cleansed and refreshed, and your sensitivity is renewed. Silence is your aural sorbet. It pays to develop a taste for it.\u201d (6)
\n And if you are wondering what aural means, \u201cAural is of or relating to the ear or to the sense of hearing\u201d (7). I looked it up because I had no idea what it meant. Am I the only one?<\/p>\n
1.Julian Treasure, How to Be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening (Coral Gables, FL: Mango Publishing Group,
\n 2017), 83.
\n 2.Ibid., 84.
\n 3.Ibid., 84.
\n 4.Ibid., 84.
\n 5.Ibid.,136.
\n 6.Ibid., 136.
\n 7.\u201cDictionary by Merriam-Webster: America’s Most-Trusted Online Dictionary,\u201d Merriam-Webster (Merriam-Webster), accessed
\n April 18, 2023, https:\/\/www.merriam-webster.com\/.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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