{"id":32379,"date":"2023-04-17T20:31:10","date_gmt":"2023-04-18T03:31:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/?p=32379"},"modified":"2023-04-17T20:34:50","modified_gmt":"2023-04-18T03:34:50","slug":"disappear-to-dawn-and-beyond","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/disappear-to-dawn-and-beyond\/","title":{"rendered":"DISAPPEAR to DAWN And Beyond"},"content":{"rendered":"

In his bestselling book The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma<\/em>, the author discusses the impact of trauma on the body. His groundbreaking research details the impact of trauma on the body. He writes,<\/p>\n

Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think\u2026 For real change to take place, the body needs to learn that the danger has passed and to live in the reality of the present. Our search to understand trauma has led us to think differently not only about the structure of the mind but also about the process by which it heals.\u00a0[1]<\/a><\/p>\n

I purchased this book over a year ago as part of my research on mental health for my NPO. I chose mental health as my area of research because of my own journey. I want to share with you excerpts from journals, poems I have written, and stories of my own trauma journey. My experience highlights how trauma affects the body, how living in a state of trauma can cause anything to feel like a life or death situation. My journey shows how we can heal from trauma and the importance of God in the healing process. I openly share about my struggles in the hope of letting someone know they are not alone in their struggles, in the hope of reducing the negative stigma surrounding mental health, and in the hope of being an inspiration to others.<\/p>\n

Six years ago today, I entered a six-week residential treatment program for suicidal depression. Just days before, I was on the floor of my closet holding a bottle of Norco and thinking about taking every last pill and ending my life. I am so grateful I reached out to a friend of mine and did not take those pills. My time in the residential program and the partial hospitalization program I was in before and afterward changed my life.<\/p>\n

MY JOURNEY OUT OF DARKNESS<\/strong><\/h3>\n

In a public post on Facebook, I shared my story. I talked about the trauma I experienced as a child and how it has impacted me. You can read the rest of the post and the comments here<\/a>, but here is an excerpt from that post:<\/p>\n

Most of my issues stem from childhood feelings of rejection, abandonment, isolation, lack of validation, and a lack of affection. According to my psychiatrist, these feelings create far more trauma than abuse. My parents were far from perfect, but they did the best they could with what they had. They simply were not able to give me what I needed. I love them and I will always be grateful that my mother chose to keep me – I was an \u201coops\u201d baby. I am thankful that they loved me to the best of their ability.[2]<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

Tuesday, March 28, 2017, was my first day in a partial hospitalization program. In one session, we were asked to express how we were feeling at the time. I wrote this poem:<\/p>\n

DISAPPEAR<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Thoughts swirl in an unending torrent…<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0no beginning and no end<\/span><\/p>\n

I feel lost and alone, trapped in the<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0darkness of my mind<\/span><\/p>\n

Every choice, every decision, every action<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0seems to point to failure<\/span><\/p>\n

What is the point of my life<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0What good have I done?<\/span><\/p>\n

Is anyone better for my existence?<\/span><\/p>\n

Would they be better off without me?<\/span><\/p>\n

The smallest task is overwhelming,<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0the simplest conversation too much to bear<\/span><\/p>\n

I want my life to mean something,<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0yet I fear that it is pointless…<\/span><\/p>\n

Is there any hope for me?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0I feel so alone…<\/span><\/p>\n

Will anybody notice…<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0… if I just disappear? [3]<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

While I was in the residential program, I attended regular therapy sessions. My therapist introduced me to a new tool called Brainspotting<\/a>. I think this experience highlights how we store trauma in our brain. I wrote the following passage in my journal from that day:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TO MY YOUNGER SELF – April 30, 2017 <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

[One of the tools we used in therapy is called Brainspotting. This therapy allows you to access traumatic memories and feelings in such a way that your brain can heal parts of itself. It was incredible to go through a memory and feel the emotions of the moment – fear, anger, depression, anxiety – and then feel those emotions fade away as my brain healed.<\/span><\/p>\n

For most of my life, I have felt like I was on the outside looking in – nearby, but never part of the crowd. I had friends, but always questioned whether or not they really liked me. I never felt like I belonged. Working on this emotion in brainspotting, I went back to my childhood and a time where I felt isolated and alone. I spoke to my inner child and assured her that everything would be okay. That day was the first time in my life where I said to myself, \u201cI love you\u201d and actually meant it and believed it. I wrote about what I would say to my younger self, if given the opportunity.]<\/span><\/p>\n

I know you are frightened<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0and you feel so alone<\/span><\/p>\n

Trapped in the isolation<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0of your mind<\/span><\/p>\n

I know that you do not<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0know how to handle<\/span><\/p>\n

These overwhelming feelings<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0that encompass you<\/span><\/p>\n

The darkness feels threatening<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0and you do not feel safe<\/span><\/p>\n

I know that you wonder<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0if anybody cares<\/span><\/p>\n

If they know that you are lying<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0so alone and scared<\/span>
\nI want to tell you something<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0listen close, my dear<\/span><\/p>\n

It is okay to cry<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0it is okay to feel afraid<\/span><\/p>\n

But I want you to know<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0that you are not alone<\/span><\/p>\n

And remember this<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0your feelings do not define you<\/span><\/p>\n

I am here with you<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0and God is watching over you<\/span><\/p>\n

I want to remind you<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0of some important Truths<\/span><\/p>\n

You, my dear, are lovely,<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0beautiful beyond compare<\/span><\/p>\n

You are a priceless treasure<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0uniquely created for a purpose<\/span><\/p>\n

Darling, you are not alone<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0I am right here with you<\/span><\/p>\n

When you feel this way<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0know that God is carrying you<\/span><\/p>\n

And sweetheart, most importantly<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0I want you to know<\/span>
\nYou are accepted just as you are<\/span><\/p>\n

You are loved just as you are<\/span>
\nYou are redeemed just as you are<\/span><\/p>\n

There is nothing you have to do<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0nothing you can do<\/span>
\nTo earn acceptance, love, redemption<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0God already paid the price[4]<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

Journal Entry – May 20, 2017 <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCreate in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.\u201d Psalm 51:10 <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Yesterday, I had a moment where I felt myself getting triggered – I could feel my heart begin to speed up and my body begin to tighten, I started to feel nauseous. But I was able to recognize it, breathe through it, and watch it, feel it just melt away. It felt so wonderful and empowering. I feel like I have come so far.<\/span><\/p>\n

I am learning that discomfort does indeed pass. I can sit in it. I can make it through. I feel so light, so free… like I have carried the weight of the world my entire life and I have finally let go of it… I have finally set aside the things that are not mine to carry – the lies I<\/span><\/p>\n

have believed, the burdens that are not mine, the shame of never feeling good enough or feeling like I belong.<\/span><\/p>\n

I AM LOVED AND ACCEPTED. I AM BEAUTY BEYOND COMPARE. I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. I AM UNASHAMED. [5]<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On Tuesday, July 11, 2017, I graduated from my program. I wrote this poem that morning to describe my journey.<\/p>\n

DAWN<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

In the midst of darkness, of never-ending midnight<\/span><\/p>\n

I had no hope for dawn<\/span>
\nI thought this night would never end<\/span><\/p>\n

And I wanted this shadow to envelope me,<\/span><\/p>\n

To release me from my pain<\/span><\/p>\n

But my will to live was stronger<\/span>
\nThan my desire to die<\/span>
\nI struggled and fought against the darkness<\/span><\/p>\n

I cried out in my agony and despair<\/span>
\nAnd to my surprise, someone heard me<\/span><\/p>\n

Tenacity took over and I embraced change<\/span><\/p>\n

At first, my steps were shaky, tentative<\/span>
\nI stumbled and fell over and over again<\/span>
\nI thought I would never find my way out<\/span><\/p>\n

Of the torment of my mind<\/span><\/p>\n

But with each stumble, with each fall<\/span>
\nI learned and grew stronger<\/span>
\nI found courage to face another day<\/span>
\nIn the words of my friends, the embrace of my loved ones<\/span><\/p>\n

And the arms of my loving Father<\/span><\/p>\n

Each triumph propelled me forward<\/span><\/p>\n

Gave me hope to face another day<\/span><\/p>\n

And slowly, the darkness lifted<\/span>
\nI could see the colors of dawn<\/span><\/p>\n

Begin to spread across my life<\/span><\/p>\n

As I step into this new dawn<\/span>
\nEager to leave the darkness behind I<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0know that the shadow always waits<\/span><\/p>\n

Ready to try and pull me back down<\/span><\/p>\n

Into that eternal blackness<\/span><\/p>\n

But now, I am prepared<\/span>
\nI know how to navigate the night<\/span><\/p>\n

How to push back the darkness<\/span>
\nI am assured that I am never alone<\/span><\/p>\n

And that dawn always comes<\/span><\/p>\n

The brilliant colors of a new day<\/span><\/p>\n

Surround and envelope me now<\/span>
\nI feel the warmth of the sun, of the Son<\/span><\/p>\n

Life and vitality await as I finally take hold<\/span><\/p>\n

Of the knowledge that I am loved<\/span><\/p>\n

I see my destiny before me<\/span><\/p>\n

Shining in the brightness of the dawn<\/span><\/p>\n

The possibilities are endless<\/span>
\nAs I embrace life and love and joy<\/span><\/p>\n

And I am at peace[6]<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

CONCLUSION:<\/strong><\/h4>\n

I am still a work in progress. I still get triggered and I still struggle. However, in the midst of my struggles, I am better equipped. I know my feelings are temporary. I know that I can make it through the uncomfortable moment.\u00a0Van Der Kolk writes, “Trauma constantly confronts us with our facility and with man’s inhumanity to man but also with our extraordinary resilience.”[7]<\/a> The human body is an amazing creation of God. I have found the resilience, the adaptability through help and hard work.\u00a0We are a world going through post traumatic stress and I know so many people who are struggling, who do not know how to respond. I will continue to do my part, to do my research, share my story, and be a voice of hope.<\/p>\n

Philippians 3:12-14 “Not that I have already <\/span>obtained this or <\/span>am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. <\/span>Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: <\/span>forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, <\/span>I press on toward the goal for <\/span>the prize of the upward <\/span>call of God in Christ Jesus.”<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

* If you are interested in reading more about my journey, here is a PDF of my poems and journal entries from that time:<\/p>\nMy Journey Out Of Darkness<\/a>\n

[1]<\/a> Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma<\/em>. \u00a0(New York, Penguin Books, 2014), pg. 21.<\/p>\n

[2]<\/a>\u00a0Becca Marie Hald, Facebook Post, June 6, 2017. https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/rebecca.hald\/posts\/pfbid0TrN1tuQpyaDN4oZpnTxeZdhcFSccXvcAv3TTK1oTzGrDpLXrtTgh4VrnSEX37HLil<\/a><\/p>\n

[3]<\/a> Becca Hald, Disappear: Poem<\/em>. March 28, 2017.<\/p>\n

[4]<\/a> Becca Hald, To My Younger Self: Journal Entry and Poem<\/em>. April 30, 2017.<\/p>\n

[5]<\/a> Becca Hald, May 20, 2017: Journal Entry<\/em>. May 20, 2017.<\/p>\n

[6]<\/a> Becca Hald, Dawn: Poem<\/em>. July 11, 2017.<\/p>\n

[7]<\/a> Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma<\/em>. \u00a0(New York, Penguin Books, 2014), pg. 358.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In his bestselling book The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, the author discusses the impact of trauma on the body. His groundbreaking research details the impact of trauma on the body. He writes, Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":155,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[2724],"class_list":["post-32379","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-van-der-kolk-dlgp01","cohort-dlgp01"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32379","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/155"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=32379"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32379\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":32384,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32379\/revisions\/32384"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=32379"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=32379"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=32379"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}