{"id":31671,"date":"2023-03-07T18:43:22","date_gmt":"2023-03-08T02:43:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/?p=31671"},"modified":"2023-03-07T18:56:16","modified_gmt":"2023-03-08T02:56:16","slug":"faking-it-til-i-made-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/faking-it-til-i-made-it\/","title":{"rendered":"Faked It Til I Made It"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cPretend to be making something until you actually make something.\u201d[1]<\/a><\/p>\n

That\u2019s exactly what I\u2019m doing in this doctoral program. I am pretending that I am writing a dissertation on mental health and the Church. Maybe in a couple of years and some change I will actually have written it!<\/p>\n

\u201cFake it until you make it\u201d[2]<\/a> is how I\u2019ve learned to live my life in these past few years. I think it\u2019s actually how I graduated from life and career stunting \u201cimposter syndrome.\u201d<\/p>\n

In 2015 my family and I moved to Long Island, NY so that I could pastor a church of about 100 and start a new worshiping community in a town about 10 minutes away. We spent four years in Long Island and though I was doing what felt like an impossible job: ornery high needs congregation AND brand-new church in another location, I did it. The church was growing and the new worshiping community was beginning to take shape \u2013 though admittedly, in fits and starts. But I never once felt like I could<\/em><\/strong> do it. I never once took stock of what I was doing well. Instead, I would get stuck in insecurity, second guessing my every decision, my reptilian brain causing me to freeze. I felt like a fake.<\/p>\n

I had spent the eleven previous years ministering to and with college students. What business did I have pastoring a church AND starting a new worshiping community? Never mind that I had successfully turned a lagging campus ministry around so that it was thriving. Never mind that I had all the education, credentials, and ordination of my colleagues. For some reason, a little voice inside my head kept whispering that somehow being a pastor to college students didn\u2019t count as being a \u201creal\u201d pastor.<\/p>\n

Looking back, I did a lot of good at the little ornery church. New people were coming to worship and even getting involved. We got rid of the moldy carpet in the \u201cparlor\u201d and even began a conversation of removing the decades old red sanctuary carpet to let the hardwood floors beneath shine. We sang some newer hymns and sometimes I asked the congregation to interact with one another during worship. Of course, this came with its own set of problems as the long-time members didn\u2019t want to budge an inch when it came to changing what had \u201calways\u201d been or what they had \u201calways\u201d done.<\/p>\n

As I reflect on the experience of gathering a new worshiping community I am reminded that a group of about 15 gathered in my living room every week to have conversation, sing, and serve each other communion. This group wasn\u2019t easy to come by either! I met some at the gym, some at preschool drop off, some at a conference in the city, and a few online. Though I was totally FAKING it, I invited each one to my house and made sure they felt welcome.<\/p>\n

Still, I was pretty miserable in that role and even concluded that I am not meant to be an entrepreneur, especially when it comes to starting a church. Which is simply not true.<\/p>\n

What is true is that there were a lot<\/strong> of factors contributing to the difficulty of the role and my heart took a beating (and not the kind that keeps one alive) and my confidence was shaken.<\/p>\n

Along the way someone (I don\u2019t remember who) advised me to \u201cfake it until you make it!\u201d Pretend to be the pastor. Fake starting the church you\u2019d want to attend. The phrase rolled around in my head and off my tongue reminding me that if I just put one foot in front of the other, checked one more project off the list, invited one more person, had one more difficult conversation, at some point I might actually be the pastor of a small but growing church and a new worshiping community.<\/p>\n

Plot Twist.<\/p>\n

I did not end up planting a new church nor did I continue pastoring that ornery, needy congregation. Unlike the hero in the Hero\u2019s Journey, I did not go through hell only to return home transformed.[3]<\/a> Instead I moved to Bend, OR where I was called to pastor a church. The imposter syndrome tagged along and once again I found myself \u201cpretending\u201d to know what I was doing, pretending to be a pastor. And once again, kept uttering to myself, \u201cFake it until you make it Kally.\u201d And that\u2019s what I did.<\/p>\n

I would fake it through meetings, even thinking to myself, \u201cCrap! I forgot Robert\u2019s Rules of Order! Actually, I don\u2019t think I ever knew them to begin with!\u201d I\u2019d fake it through sitting at the bedside of someone dying, panicking that I might say the wrong thing. I\u2019d fake it as I prepared a sermon, \u201cstealing\u201d ideas from others and feeling like I was cheating (according to Kleon I was not because I didn\u2019t steal from just one of my heroes but from many which made it honest to goodness research).[4]<\/a> I\u2019d fake it while leading a class, wishing I\u2019d spent more time preparing the lesson. I faked it and faked it and faked it until I realized I wasn\u2019t faking it anymore. I was actually doing it.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m now at a place where I feel very confident in my role as a pastor. I am not pretending. I am a pastor. I don\u2019t have the best ideas nor do I preach the best sermons. I don\u2019t always know when someone needs a visit or extra care. I absolutely hate doing administrative tasks. Yet, I am still a really good pastor. Most of all I trust God has called me to this role as a pastor. I don\u2019t know how long I will continue in this role (I am feeling a bit restless but that\u2019s another post for another time) but I don\u2019t question my call to be a pastor now or to the churches in New York or to the college students in the campus ministry.<\/p>\n

This learning that I am actually a pastor instead of pretending has been kind of like a \u201cthreshold concept\u201d for me. According to Meyer and Land, \u201ca threshold concept can be considered as akin to a portal, opening up to a new and previously inaccessible way of thinking about something.\u201d[5]<\/a> I had to fake it but in the faking it I finally crossed the threshold to making it, seeing and thinking of myself in a new way. Earlier I mentioned that unlike the hero\u2019s journey I didn\u2019t return \u201chome transformed And while that is kind of true. I didn\u2019t return to the church I was pastoring at the time nor to the new worshiping community I was trying to gather. In another way it is not true because I did<\/em><\/strong> return home to myself, home to who God called me to be and in the journey of faking it, I was transformed.<\/p>\n

.<\/p>\n

[1]<\/a> Kleon, Austin. 2012.\u00a0Steal Like an Artist: 10 Things Nobody Told You About Being Creative<\/em>. 1st edition. Workman Publishing Company. (Kindle) 29<\/p>\n

[2]<\/a> IBID<\/p>\n

[3]<\/a> https:\/\/libguides.gvsu.edu\/c.php?g=948085&p=6836194<\/p>\n

[4]<\/a> Kleon, Austin. 2012.\u00a0Steal Like an Artist: 10 Things Nobody Told You About Being Creative<\/em>. 1st edition. Workman Publishing Company. (Kindle) 35<\/p>\n

[5]<\/a> Jan F.H. Meyer and Ray Land, eds.,\u00a0Overcoming Barriers to Student Understanding: Threshold concepts and troublesome knowledge<\/em>. (New York, Routledge, 2003), pg. 3<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cPretend to be making something until you actually make something.\u201d[1] That\u2019s exactly what I\u2019m doing in this doctoral program. I am pretending that I am writing a dissertation on mental health and the Church. Maybe in a couple of years and some change I will actually have written it! \u201cFake it until you make it\u201d[2] […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":170,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[2535,2325],"class_list":["post-31671","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-dlpg02","tag-kleon","cohort-dlgp02"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31671","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/170"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=31671"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31671\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":31673,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31671\/revisions\/31673"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=31671"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=31671"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=31671"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}