Every once and awhile a book surfaces “for such a time as this.” The content is a prophetic punch in the face. Such is the case with “A Failure of Nerve” by Edwin H. Friedman.<\/p>\n
I remember feeling this many years ago with Mark Senter’s “The Coming Revolution in Youth Ministry”[1] and more recently with “The Fourth Turning: An American Prophecy” by William Strauss and Neil Howe. [2] \u00a0These, and a small handful of others, feel ripped from the headlines, while also being timeless and enduring. If you could see the margin notes in my copy of Friedman, you would find multiple scribbles with exclamation points attached: \u00a0“Dang!, Wow!, Yep!” That’s Right!”<\/p>\n
This book is a relevant and transformative gift<\/strong> for, as Friedman says, “parents to presidents.” And to that I will add “pastors.”<\/p>\n Pastoral leaders are anxious. This is of particular interest to my NPO that posits that “Lead Pastors within the U.S. Foursquare Church are struggling to sustain joy in their ministry context.” \u00a0My early work with stakeholders offers a number of possible contributing factors: \u00a0undue expectations and anxiety, faulty models of spiritual leadership, deficiency of identity, inadequate space for vulnerability, as well as an underdeveloped theology of suffering. Friedman touched on a number of these factors, with great clarity and intellectual prowess. His thesis is such: “the climate of contemporary America has become so chronically anxious that our society has gone into an emotional regression that is toxic to well-defined leadership” (Friedman, 59).<\/p>\n You can say that again, Edwin.<\/em><\/p>\n I find it interestingly refreshing that Friedman denotes that society is regressing (not the leader), and that regression is toxic (not the leader). That’s not to say that leaders don’t at times regress or become toxic, but, come on, do leaders have to be everyones punching bags, all the time? I don’t think so. Again, this is not a “hall pass” for bad leaders, but rather, a sober understanding that leaders are not “the root of all evil” like a cynical society would want us to believe.<\/p>\n Allow me to deeply personalize this by highlighting two fallacies that Friedman brought to the surface: \u00a0the fallacy of empathy and the fallacy of self (ie: narcissism), and how each ministered directly to me. In each case, I was, admittedly, moved to tears because something shifted in my heart as Friedman addressed these fallacies.<\/p>\n YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!<\/strong><\/p>\n I’m not a huge Brene’ Brown fan. Go ahead, crucify me. I know she is popular, brilliant, and contributes widely to society. I don’t hate her, OK. I just didn’t jump onto the Brene’ bandwagon like so many…and I don’t fault those that have. I believe myself to be a fairly empathic person, and encourage others to be so as well, so that’s not my rub. I don’t know that I could have clearly articulated it until reading Friedman, who desires to “pierce the general illusions of empathy which so disorient American society today and give[s] license to undercutting well-defined leadership everywhere” (Friedman, 142).<\/p>\n Ouch. However, in his own words “[You] may have been hurt, but not damaged.” This is so important. We are living in an era of “everybody gets a trophy,” “that’s my truth,” and “you hurt my feelings” and it is inducing a failure of nerve among leadership.<\/p>\n Myself included.<\/p>\n Recently, I commented to someone that I trust: “I’m getting tired of speaking truth and making bold biblical statements, for fear of getting my head chopped off.” I went on to muse on how to say a particular something in a way that the least amount of people will get ticked off. Now, to be fair, I’m all for tact, graciousness, and not provoking for “provoking sake.” I don’t have a death wish. I like being liked. But I was challenged (and freed) by Friedman’s assertion that “empathy may be a luxury afforded to only those who do not have to make tough decisions. For ‘tough decisions’ are decisions the consequence of which will be painful to others (although not harmful<\/em> to others…) (Friedman, 146).<\/p>\n YOU ARE A NARCISSIST!<\/strong><\/p>\n In 2016 I was given a 9-week sabbatical from my Lead Pastor responsibilities. Actually it was cut short to 7.5 weeks, because the proverbial “sh*t hit the fan.” I’ll keep the specific details to a minimum due to the public nature of this blog. But suffice it to say, an executive-level pastor asked to meet before the conclusion of my sabbatical in order to resign, and fired a shot over the bow in response to my question of “Why?”<\/p>\n “You are a Narcissist.”<\/em> he said.<\/p>\n He didn’t believe that I should have taken a sabbatical, nor that I should have been as vulnerable as I had been regarding burnout and depression. He saw it, and my overall leadership demeanor, as selfish.<\/p>\n I had the nerve to show weakness and failure.<\/p>\n For over seven years now, I have been wearing that smear around, like a scarlet letter. Close friends and my wife have tried to get me to shake it, but to no avail. I assumed the resigned pastor was right and that I was wrong…deeply and irrevocably wrong. Until I found myself weeping in chapter 5 of “A Failure of Nerve.” Now, let’s be clear: from time to time I CAN be a selfish stinker. Just ask my wife. But the label of narcissist that had been slapped upon me with such vitriol was not mine to wear any longer. Friedman asks, “How are parents and presidents [and again I add pastors] to value, indeed treasure and preserve, self without worrying that they are being narcissistic or autocratic?” (Friedman, 186).<\/p>\n You can ask that again, Edwin.<\/em><\/p>\n P.S. I don’t think I’m being selfish or narcissistic in wanting to recoup that final week of my sabbatical. Perhaps I’ll tack it onto Oxford. Cheers!<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n [1]. Senter, Mark. The Coming Revolution in Youth Ministry. Wheaton, Ill: Victor Books, 1992.<\/p>\n [2]. Strauss, William., and Neil. Howe. The Fourth Turning\u202f: an American Prophecy. First trade paperback edition. New York: Broadway Books, 1998.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Every once and awhile a book surfaces “for such a time as this.” The content is a prophetic punch in the face. Such is the case with “A Failure of Nerve” by Edwin H. Friedman. 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