{"id":29132,"date":"2022-10-16T19:00:04","date_gmt":"2022-10-17T02:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/?p=29132"},"modified":"2022-10-16T19:00:04","modified_gmt":"2022-10-17T02:00:04","slug":"be-a-duck","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/be-a-duck\/","title":{"rendered":"Be a Duck"},"content":{"rendered":"

It was \u201cBack to School Night\u201d in 2011 and my first opportunity to address the parents as the President of the Parent Faculty Association (PFA). I shared about my hopes for the school year and read the Parable of the Stonemasons<\/em> an analogy about teaching Sunday School that I felt translated well to serving the school community.[1]<\/a> After getting home that evening, I made the mistake of going on social media and reading what one parents wrote about me. One mom did not like the analogy I read and wrote terrible things about me.<\/p>\n

Crying, I called my friend Daryl who served as President the year before. \u201cBe a duck,\u201d she told me. She explained that this is the analogy her husband gave her during her tenure as PFA President. A duck\u2019s feathers are coated so that when it comes out of the water, it can simply shake off all the water droplets. Over many years of friendship and serving in various roles at our children\u2019s schools, we would often \u201cquack\u201d at each other when things were difficult, and we needed the reminder to \u201cshake it off.\u201d<\/p>\n

Friedman\u2019s discussion of the well-differentiated leader<\/em> reminded me of those years of quacking like a duck. The well-differentiated leader<\/em> is, \u201csomeone who has clarity about his or her own life goals and, therefore, someone who is less likely to become lost in the anxious emotional processes swirling about.\u201d[2]<\/a> Like a duck, the well-differentiated leader<\/em>shakes off the anxiety and emotional baggage which others carry into a situation. I would like to say that I did well at separating myself from the anxiety and emotional baggage of others in my years as a leader, but if I am honest, that was not the case for me. Instead, I often showed a distinct failure of nerve. \u201cAnxiety and the search for rapid solutions always result in the failure of nerve. Needing to be right, certain, and pain free, we narrow our thinking and put our courage on pause.\u201d[3]<\/a> 13 of 1140<\/p>\n

My term as PFA President highlights Friedman\u2019s five characteristics of chronic anxiety.[4]<\/a><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Reactivity: Going home that evening and looking on social media was clearly reactive. My reason for doing this was to know what others thought of me. I reacted to that situation and to others.<\/li>\n
  2. Herding: I often worked toward the consensus and group mentality over<\/li>\n
  3. Blaming: One of the things I implemented during my term was that if there were not enough volunteers to hold an event, we would cancel the event. On one hand, for me this was necessary to enact healthy boundaries. I simply could not do everything. However, it made it easy for me to pass the blame. If something did not happen, it was not my fault, the fault lied with the hundreds of other parents who chose not to volunteer their time.<\/li>\n
  4. Quick-Fix Mentality: There were several parents who did had different opinions on how we should do certain events. Rather than working toward a common goal, I avoided these parents as much as possible. I cheered when they did not show up at General Meetings and when they did, I went with majority rules and then sought the quickest way to avoid any conflict.<\/li>\n
  5. Lack of Well-Differentiated Leadership: As the PFA President, I often sought the easiest way to do things. I genuinely wanted to help and serve this community, but I also was constantly seeking approval, a pat on the back, someone to tell me that I was good enough.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    My term as PFA President was over a decade ago and I believe that I have matured much since that experience, but I am still working towards Freidman\u2019s description of the differentiated leader: \u201cDifferentiation is not about being coercive, manipulative, reactive, pursuing, or invasive; it is about being rooted in the leader\u2019s own sense of self rather than focused on his or her followers.\u201d[5]<\/a> I know that one area I have gained in strength is that I feel less of a need to seek the approval of others.<\/p>\n

    Just today I hosted a baby shower for a local acquaintance (now dear friend). When I first asked her about a baby shower, she told me that she needed to plan it. I told her that was not okay with me and that I would plan her shower. While it was encouraging to receive the thank yous and accolades, I did not feel the need for them as I have in the past. It was a pleasure and a joy to simply be able to bless my friend. If I had not received any thank yous, I think I still would have been joyful about today. Maybe I am beginning to finally be a duck like my friend suggested all those years ago.<\/p>\n

    \n

    [1]<\/a> Gospel Light, Children\u2019s Ministry Smart Pages: Grades 1-6<\/em>. (Ventura, CA, Gospel Light, 2005). Uncertain of the page number as I no longer own this book.<\/p>\n

    [2]<\/a> Edwin H. Friedman, Margaret M. Treadwell, and Edward W. Beal, Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix<\/em>. (New York, Church Publishing, 2017). iBooks page 37 of 352<\/p>\n

    [3]<\/a> Ibid. iBooks page 8 of 352<\/p>\n

    [4]<\/a> Ibid. iBooks page 50 of 352<\/p>\n

    [5]<\/a> Ibid. iBooks page 324 of 352<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    It was \u201cBack to School Night\u201d in 2011 and my first opportunity to address the parents as the President of the Parent Faculty Association (PFA). I shared about my hopes for the school year and read the Parable of the Stonemasons an analogy about teaching Sunday School that I felt translated well to serving the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":155,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[1660],"class_list":["post-29132","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-edwin-friedman","cohort-dlgp01"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29132","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/155"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=29132"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29132\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":29133,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29132\/revisions\/29133"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=29132"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=29132"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=29132"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}