{"id":28097,"date":"2022-01-26T08:47:52","date_gmt":"2022-01-26T16:47:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/?p=28097"},"modified":"2022-01-26T08:47:52","modified_gmt":"2022-01-26T16:47:52","slug":"be-differentiated-even-if-you-deal-with-extremely-emotionally-toxic-people","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/be-differentiated-even-if-you-deal-with-extremely-emotionally-toxic-people\/","title":{"rendered":"Be Differentiated, Even If You Deal With Extremely Emotionally Toxic People"},"content":{"rendered":"

The most significant works in literature transcend space, time, and context. Friedman\u2019s <\/span>A Failure of Nerve<\/span><\/em>\u00a0does just that as it nears its completion of four decades in circulation.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Continuing to shape organizational psychology today, Friedman gives foundation thought around leadership, differentiation, emotional triangles, and being a non-anxious presence.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

His main idea is on the self-differentiated leader, knowing where I, the leader, ends and the organization begins. A self-differentiated leader understands the power of presence and clearly defines herself with strong emotional intelligence (not a Freidman term), not contributing to the anxiety of the organization but living into clearly understood personal goals.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As the ordained psychologist put it, \u201cLeadership through self-differentiation is not easy; learning techniques and imbibing data are far easier. Nor is striving or achieving success as a leader without pain: there is the pain of isolation, the pain of loneliness, the pain of personal attacks, the pain of losing friends. That\u2019s what leadership is all about.\u201d<\/span>[1]<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

Moreover, a differentiated leader can recognize the dysfunction of an organization and the people in it. For example, amid conflict, the differentiated leader understands the distinction between an interpersonal attack and the root cause of the problem. Likewise, in heightened anxiety, the differentiated leader chooses not to add more stress to the situation by being a non-anxious presence, defusing, and asking clarifying questions.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

All of this sounds ideal until you are placed in a situation where all you\u2019ve learned must be put into practice. But the work of an emotionally healthy leader is to do the hard work ahead of time to understand the types of situations, personality types, and emotionally charged moments that tend to knock them off their ability to lead well.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I recently coached a staff member through a situation in which they admitted that the person they were dealing with had a personality type that immediately put them on edge and defensive. We walked through how to calm their heart rate, clear their mind, and transcend their interactions at the moment.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

However, one of the most unnerving aspects of being a differentiated leader is dealing with clearly undifferentiated people. You are doing your best to fight fair, but they didn\u2019t seem to get the rulebook. I guess the old idiom we learned in preschool still rings true as we age: <\/span>be kind to others even if they are mean to you<\/span><\/em>. Friedman might say, \u201cBe differentiated, even if you deal with extremely emotionally toxic people.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I guess Jesus knew what he was asking of us as he called his followers to patience, forbearance, service, and love for those who cross us. Maybe, just maybe, Jesus should be recognized as a world-altering psychologist who understood human behavior and cognition, equipping people to find a better way than the one that leads us into unhealthy conflict and relationships.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Friedman provides leaders with a psychological training guide for understanding themselves and how to become better leaders.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

[1] Friedman, Edwin, Margaret M. Treadwell, and Edward W. Beal.<\/span>\u00a0A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix.\u00a0<\/span><\/em>(New York: Seabury Books, 2007), 247.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The most significant works in literature transcend space, time, and context. Friedman\u2019s A Failure of Nerve\u00a0does just that as it nears its completion of four decades in circulation.\u00a0 Continuing to shape organizational psychology today, Friedman gives foundation thought around leadership, differentiation, emotional triangles, and being a non-anxious presence.\u00a0 His main idea is on the self-differentiated […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":139,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[2117,694,2173,236,2004],"class_list":["post-28097","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-differentiatedleader","tag-emotional-intelligence","tag-eq","tag-friedman","tag-lgp11","cohort-lgp11"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28097","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/139"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=28097"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28097\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":28098,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28097\/revisions\/28098"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=28097"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=28097"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=28097"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}