{"id":20073,"date":"2018-11-08T20:40:57","date_gmt":"2018-11-09T04:40:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dminlgp\/?p=20073"},"modified":"2018-11-08T20:46:07","modified_gmt":"2018-11-09T04:46:07","slug":"leadership-a-la-family-therapist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/leadership-a-la-family-therapist\/","title":{"rendered":"Leadership \u00e5 la Family Therapist"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Edwin Friedman is a guy I resonate with, he is ordained, a family therapist and a leadership consultant, all of which I am as well. His book, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix<\/em>, outlining his leadership philosophy, obviously resonated with me as well. His approach to leadership flies in the face of traditional leadership materials that advocate for better techniques and information to motivate others. He states, \u201cThe way out, rather, requires shifting our orientation to the way we think about relationships, from one that focuses on techniques that motivate others to one that focuses on the leader\u2019s own presence and being.\u201d[1]<\/a> Because he was a Bowenian family therapist, he was very focused on the natural systems present in families and applied these principles to every other institution in society. He goes on to explain this influence from Dr. Murray Bowen for why he focused on these natural systems instead of culture, class or race. \u201cFrom this \u201creversed\u201d perspective, the most critical issues in understanding human institutions are not their customs, rituals, and ceremonies but rather how well families or other institutions are able to handle the natural tension between individuality and togetherness, their ability to maintain their integrity during crisis, and their capacity to produce well-differentiated leadership.\u201d[2]<\/a> Friedman reveals the significant influence Bowen had on his leadership philosophy when he references these areas repeatedly in his book. Also, when he summarizes his philosophy with the statement\u2026\u201cFor whenever a \u201cfamily\u201d is driven by anxiety, what will also always be present is a failure of nerve among its leaders.\u201d[3]<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In the circles I run in, Dr. Murray Bowen<\/a> is a well-known legend in the area of family therapy, in fact, Georgetown University founded the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family<\/a>. Many family therapists reference his work, utilize aspects of his Family Systems Theory, and recognize that we are all emotionally connected to one another in some way\u2026just like members of families. Since I am a therapist, and I approach leadership from an emotional and relational perspective, it was encouraging to see these principles outlined so clearly in a leadership book. If I had to name the most common issue that walks in my office, it would most definitely be anxiety. Their ability to handle their \u201cnerves\u201d has \u201cfailed\u201d and their world is crashing around them. At this point, ironically, it is my job to walk them through the process of self-differentiating their thoughts from their feelings so they can get a better handle on making sense of their feelings and not be driven by the anxiety. I tell my clients all the time that God made our bodies with this amazing alarm system that sometimes takes the form of anxiety or panic attacks to let us know that we are experiencing emotional overload. When clients learn to be present with themselves, get in touch with their emotions and become experts in the subject of \u201cme\u201d, they can be the best version of themselves and the best leader of their family or organization. The author speaks to this as one of the things his book will do, he says \u201cit will encourage leaders to focus first on their own integrity and on the nature of their own presence rather than through techniques for manipulating or motivating others.\u201d[4]<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This idea of self-differentiation was definitely introduced by Dr. Bowen and Friedman does a masterful job of applying this concept to the area of leadership. He does his best to explain Bowen\u2019s concept when he states\u2026\u201cThe key to that positioning (of going with the flow of emotions and still taking the lead) is the leader\u2019s own self-differentiation, by which I mean his or her capacity to be a non-anxious presence, a challenging presence, a well-defined presence, and a paradoxical presence. Differentiation is not about being coercive, manipulative, reactive, pursuing or invasive, but being rooted in the leader\u2019s own sense of self rather than focused on that of his or her followers.\u201d[5]<\/a> When I have the opportunity to do some leadership coaching in various companies one of the tools I use to help leaders and managers become more self-aware is the Enneagram. This tool is effective in this area because it has the integration and disintegration aspect built in that lets us know what characteristics we tend to exhibit when we are growing and doing well, and when we are stressed and struggling respectively. I notice the more leaders have a clear sense of self, the more they are able to bring this out in those they lead. This ends up bringing out the best in the team because they are not surprised when an emotion arises that causes them to behave a certain way and they can be more proactive in mitigating these emotionally hijacking experiences. I also love how Friedman highlights the need for the leader to \u201cseparate his or her own emotional being from that of his or her followers while still remaining connected.\u201d[6]<\/a> Good leaders learn the skill of navigating around the emotional process of those around them while being in-touch with their own emotions and staying connected to those they are leading. It seems like too many leaders end up taking an all or nothing approach and are either completely disconnected from their team or overly connected to the point of losing themselves. Balance is one of the keys to the self-differentiated leader whose nerve does not fail.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Since the following chart was so helpful in summarizing this book for me, I thought it would be advantageous to include it in my blog\u2026[7]<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
\n

POORLY DIFFERENTIATED LEADERSHIP<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/td>\n

\n

WELL-DIFFERENTIATED LEADERSHIP\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

-focuses on pathology<\/td>\n-focuses on strength<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
-is obsessed with technique<\/td>\n-is concerned for one\u2019s own growth<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
-works with symptomatic people<\/td>\n-works with motivated people<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
-betters the condition<\/td>\n-matures the system<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
-seeks symptomatic relief<\/td>\n-seeks enduring change<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
-is concerned to give insight<\/td>\n-is concerned to define self (take stands)<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
-is stuck on treadmill of trying harder<\/td>\n-is fed up with the treadmill<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
-diagnoses others<\/td>\n-looks at one\u2019s own stuckness<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
-is quick to quit difficult situations<\/td>\n-is challenged by difficult situations<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
-is made anxious by reactivity<\/td>\n-recognizes that reactivity and sabotage are evidence of one\u2019s effectiveness<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
-has a reductionist perspective<\/td>\n-has a universal perspective<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
-sees problems as the cause of anxiety<\/td>\n-sees problems as the focus of preexisting anxiety<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
-adapts toward the weak<\/td>\n-adapts toward strength<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
-focuses empathically on helpless victims<\/td>\n-has a challenging attitude that encourages responsibility<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
-is more likely to create dependent relationships<\/td>\n-is more likely to create intimate relationships<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

____________________________<\/p>\n

<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 [1] Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix<\/em>, Church Publishing Inc., (Kindle Edition), Locations 154-155.<\/p>\n

<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 [2] Ibid., 1055-1058.<\/p>\n

<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 [3] Ibid., 120-121.<\/p>\n

<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 [4] Ibid., 305-306.<\/p>\n

<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 [5] Ibid., 4049-4052.<\/p>\n

<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 [6] Ibid., 403.<\/p>\n

<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 [7] Ibid., 4057-4090.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Edwin Friedman is a guy I resonate with, he is ordained, a family therapist and a leadership consultant, all of which I am as well. His book, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, outlining his leadership philosophy, obviously resonated with me as well. His approach to leadership flies in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":95,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[2,236],"class_list":["post-20073","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-dminlgp","tag-friedman","cohort-lgp8"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20073","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/95"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=20073"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20073\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20078,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20073\/revisions\/20078"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=20073"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=20073"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=20073"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}