{"id":14705,"date":"2017-10-19T22:47:15","date_gmt":"2017-10-20T05:47:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dminlgp\/?p=14705"},"modified":"2017-10-19T22:47:15","modified_gmt":"2017-10-20T05:47:15","slug":"when-self-has-to-come-first","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/when-self-has-to-come-first\/","title":{"rendered":"When “Self” Has to Come First"},"content":{"rendered":"

Edwin Friedman\u2019s theories about family systems changed my life. In my MDiv program we read Generation to Generation<\/em> in one class, followed by Failure of Nerve<\/em> a year later. These two books opened my eyes and gave me the courage to make some very important changes in my life, including where I lived, how I interacted with my family of origin, and what role the church would play in my life. So to say that I looked forward to reading Failure of Nerve<\/em> again for my DMin program is a bit of an understatement. It really was like returning to the home of an old friend.<\/p>\n

The first thing I noticed this time around was how neatly some of Friedman\u2019s ideas dovetail with those from Jim Collins\u2019 book, Good to Great<\/em>. I\u2019m not sure why I didn\u2019t notice it before, but Failure of Nerve<\/em> immediately reminded me of the opening line from Good to Great<\/em>: \u201cGood is the enemy of great.\u201d[1]<\/a> Throughout Friedman\u2019s book, he is telling leaders that there is a not-so-hidden key to pushing oneself into greatness. That key is self-differentiation. Rather than focusing on the weaknesses and toxins in an organization (or family), a great leader focuses on herself, molding and shaping herself into a non-anxious presence that does not react to environmental or internal crises, but \u201ctakes responsibility for his or her own emotional being and destiny.\u201d[2]<\/a> So how do Friedman\u2019s ideas about self-differentiation work with Collins\u2019 insistence that \u201cLevel 5\u201d leaders\u2019 \u201cambition is first and foremost for the institution, not themselves?\u201d[3]<\/a> Is self-differentiation a form of selfishness that puts self above the organization? I think the answer is both yes and no. According to Friedman, a self-differentiated leader manages to remain non-anxious and somewhat separate from the organization while also remaining connected. At first, this feels to me like Friedman is promoting self over organization. But reading further, it becomes clear that Friedman\u2019s insistence on self-differentiation as key actually means that a leader develops her or himself first so that she\/he can provide the vision and leadership an organization needs. As Friedman notes, \u201cWhat is essential are stamina, resolve, remaining connected, the capacity for self-regulation of reactivity, and having horizons beyond what one can actually see.\u201d[4]<\/a> It\u2019s Friedman\u2019s contention that a leader\u2019s self-differentiation influences the organization far beyond what any method or management tool can do. This makes sense to me. A leader who is tossed about by the storms and crises of an organization cannot be fully dedicated to the vision of the organization.<\/p>\n

For some reason, this reading of Failure of Nerve<\/em> brought up more questions and frustrations when Friedman talks about empathy as an emotional barrier to leadership. When I was a very young manager, my boss always seemed to be after me to \u201cdevelop more empathy\u201d in my managerial practices. She told me that I needed to take others\u2019 feelings into consideration when making my decisions. I suspect now that what she was asking me to do was be a bit more diplomatic, but her word was empathy. My next several bosses, however, told me that there was no room for such empathy. I was there to make changes and do things that would always make people unhappy, so I needed to develop a tougher skin. So who was right? According to Friedman, I think they were both right, but I was in no way mature enough to figure that out much less embody it. Most of my job did involve making people unhappy because of changes and decisions that I had to make. When Friedman talks about the inevitability of sabotage, I easily identify. But Friedman is not suggesting that self-differentiated leaders run roughshod over people\u2019s feelings in order to accomplish certain goals. He is stating that responsibility takes precedence over empathy in a healthy organization. A self-differentiated leader has compassion but, ultimately, places the responsibility of the mission and every person\u2019s part in that mission at the top of the decision-making process. I think my favorite quote of the book is this: \u201cFor \u2018tough decision\u2019 are decisions the consequence of which will be painful to others (although not harmful<\/em> to others \u2013 an important distinction).\u201d[5]<\/a> It is inevitable that some decisions will cause pain, but it is a leader\u2019s responsibility to always mitigate or eliminate harm.<\/p>\n

This re-reading of Friedman comes at a time when it is particularly helpful for me to remember how important it is for me as a leader, a parent, and even as a student, to continue to develop my own self-differentiation and non-anxious presence. There are times when I forget to look to the horizon and remember there is something greater ahead of me than the current crises or impending struggles. Centering myself on who I am in Christ, being \u201canxious for nothing,\u201d and not allowing myself to become reactive to those who may wish to sabotage or, at the very least, promote a bit of mischief in my well-being, is crucial not only to me, but to the \u201cgenerations\u201d I influence.<\/p>\n

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<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 [1]. Jim Collins, Good to Great<\/em>, (New York: HarperCollins, 2001), 1.<\/p>\n

<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 [2]. Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, <\/em>(New York: Church Publishing, 1999, 2007, 2017), 215.<\/p>\n

<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 [3]. Collins, 21.<\/p>\n

<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 [4]. Friedman, 214.<\/p>\n

[5]<\/a>. Friedman, 146.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Edwin Friedman\u2019s theories about family systems changed my life. In my MDiv program we read Generation to Generation in one class, followed by Failure of Nerve a year later. These two books opened my eyes and gave me the courage to make some very important changes in my life, including where I lived, how I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[267,681,236,35],"class_list":["post-14705","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-collins","tag-failure-of-nerve","tag-friedman","tag-leadership","cohort-lgp7"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14705","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14705"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14705\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14706,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14705\/revisions\/14706"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14705"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14705"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14705"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}