Edwin H. Friedman was a rabbi, a family counselor, and leadership consultant, who was best known for his 1985 book \u00a0Generation to Generation<\/strong> which applied the concept of “family systems theory” to churches and synagogues.\u00a0 In his follow-up book, \u00a0A Failure of Nerve<\/strong><\/em>, Friedman covers a wider range of leadership issues via the lens of a family therapist.<\/p>\n Friedman makes the case that leaders often get bogged down because of emotional issues and never reach their potential to lead.\u00a0 I found many of Friedman\u2019s concepts intriguing.\u00a0 I have a degree in Social Work, I have studied family systems theory, and I once worked as a family therapist. I have also served in ministry at local churches for over 25 years.<\/p>\n As I read A Failure of Nerve,<\/strong><\/em> I discovered some ideas that might be valuable for those involved in church ministry as leaders.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n In A Failure of Nerve<\/strong><\/em>, Friedman proposes that leaders often fail to lead because of \u201cthe herd instinct.\u201d\u00a0 Decisions are delayed, softened, or canceled because of a feeling that they will not be popular.\u00a0 On pages 79-82, the author gives some examples of this \u201cadaptation to immaturity.\u201d<\/p>\n Church leaders are not CEOs of businesses.\u00a0 They are accountable to their congregations, and they are charged to serve them.\u00a0 Yet, no one can lead anything via complete support by everyone involved.\u00a0 The very essence of “leadership” is that the leader is taking a group to a place where they have never been before.\u00a0 Leadership always means change…and change is never supported by everyone.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n As understood today, empathy may be a luxury afforded only by those who do not have to make tough decisions.\u00a0 For \u201ctough decisions\u201d are decisions the consequence of which will be painful to others\u2026Ultimately, societies, families, and organizations are able to evolve out of a state of regression not because their leaders \u201cfeel\u201d for or \u201cunderstand\u201d their followers, but because their leaders are able, by their well-defined presence, to regulate the systemic anxiety in the relationship system they are leading and to inhibit the invasiveness of those factions which would prompt its agenda.<\/strong> (Friedman, p. 146)<\/p>\n A related issue is that part of the role of a minister is to meet needs.\u00a0 When members of a congregation face crisis and conflict they often turn to pastors for help.\u00a0 Jesus is the ultimate example of this, He healed the sick, taught the masses, and even made time for children.\u00a0\u00a0 Pastors learn that they must be compassionate, kind, and intuitive to the needs of others.<\/p>\n Where this gets complicated is when a pastor needs to make difficult decisions that may hurt the feelings of someone in the church.\u00a0 How do you tell a sweet lady with a terrible voice that she cannot sing a solo on Easter?\u00a0 How do you explain to elderly church members that money needs to be raised for an upgraded nursery?\u00a0 How do you lead an affluent congregation to do ministry in the community when the area around the church building has transitioned to become a low-income neighborhood?\u00a0 What does a church do when the Hispanic ministry ends up having greater attendance than the mother church and wants to switch worship spaces?<\/p>\n Friedman argues that good leaders make tough decisions that are not determined by the desires of the crowd.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Friedman borrowed the concept of \u201ctriangles\u201d from family system\u2019s theory.\u00a0 In a \u201ctriangle,\u201d the leader finds himself\/herself torn between the needs of two individuals (or things).<\/p>\n Just like an adolescent who is stressed-out because her parents are constantly fighting, a leader can get sidetracked when there are conflicting parties who are begging for attention.<\/p>\n Objects of triangulation are not always people.\u00a0 A leader can get caught between the desire to have a larger church and the desire to have a healthier relationship with his\/her family.\u00a0 A leader can also be torn between the desire to reach a different ethnic group and the fear that elderly church members might leave.<\/p>\n Friedman proposes that leaders view their situations via the lens of triangles.\u00a0 He states:<\/p>\n \u201cFor leaders, the capacity to understand and think in terms of emotional triangles can be the key to their stress, their health, their effectiveness, and their relational binds.\u201d\u00a0 (Friedman, p. 219)<\/p>\n The effect on leaders of this widespread demand for a quick fix is that it turns them from professionals into hacks.\u00a0 For as long as leaders cater to the demand that they fix things quickly rather than encourage, promote, or even force those in their system to deal with their own emotional being, then these leaders\u2014be they parents or presidents\u2014also miss out on challenging opportunities to grow.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/em>(Friedman, p. 95)<\/p>\n The subtitle of this book is \u201cLeadership in the Age of the Quick Fix.\u201d<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0 In Friedman\u2019s mind, a significant failure of leadership often happens when a leader places focus on the symptom instead of the problem.\u00a0 This is often seen in leaders who \u201cmicro-manage\u201d his employees (or volunteers).\u00a0 The pastor who is constantly playing referee to feuding staff members or church members will soon discover that this has become a permanent role.\u00a0 Just as a good marriage counselor desires for the couple to be able to solve their own problems without a mediator, a good pastor will work with church members and staff to be able to mature to a place of resolving their own conflicts.<\/p>\n While Friedman clearly encourages leaders to step out boldly and make tough decisions, there is something to be said for making wise decisions. \u00a0 The \u201cquick fix\u201d might also be a new program, technology, or resource that promises unbelievable results.\u00a0 More than one pastor has attended a church leadership conference only to return with a \u201cchange everything\u201d attitude.\u00a0 These attempts are rarely successful and often lead to bitterness and destruction.\u00a0 There must be balance between leadership without total support, and leadership with inadequate support.<\/p>\n Reading A Failure of Nerve<\/strong><\/em> challenged me to think differently about church leadership.\u00a0 While I realize that church leadership will always involve difficult decision-making, Friedman has given me some insight on how to view problems differently.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (New York: Church Publishing, 2007)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n https:\/\/youtu.be\/RgdcljNV-Ew<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cLeadership is essentially an emotional process rather than a cognitive phenomenon.\u201d (Friedman p. 14) Edwin H. Friedman was a rabbi, a family counselor, and leadership consultant, who was best known for his 1985 book \u00a0Generation to Generation which applied the concept of “family systems theory” to churches and synagogues.\u00a0 In his follow-up book, \u00a0A […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":87,"featured_media":14683,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[253,747,681,239,35,968,1054],"class_list":["post-14672","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-church","tag-cocanougher","tag-failure-of-nerve","tag-freidman","tag-leadership","tag-stu","tag-the-sevens-are-the-best-cohort","cohort-lgp7"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14672","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/87"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14672"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14672\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14724,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14672\/revisions\/14724"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/14683"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14672"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14672"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dlgp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14672"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Adaptation to Immaturity<\/strong><\/h2>\n
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Making Tough Decisions vs. Sensitivity<\/h2>\n
The Danger of Triangles<\/strong><\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/blogs.georgefox.edu\/dminlgp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/deacons-1024x883.jpg\")
<\/b><\/i><\/u><\/p>\nA Desire for Quick Fix<\/strong><\/h2>\n