Written by: Christy on December 1, 2025

Returning to the ideas of Edwin Friedman and Simon Walker in this season of my life has felt less like reviewing leadership theory and more like examining the landscape of my inner world. Their concepts—self-differentiation, non-anxious presence, undefended leadership, ego structures—have touched the deepest places of my anxieties, defenses, and growth edges. What once felt like abstract insights have now become interpretive keys for understanding the shifts happening inside me. They help explain how I carry stress, how I respond to criticism, and how I’m learning to lead from a more grounded and Christ-centered identity.

Where These Ideas Have Touched My Inner Life

One of the clearest places Friedman and Walker have intersected with my inner life is through our foster care journey. When we first began fostering, I saw myself as serving vulnerable children—and on the front stage, that was true. But beneath the surface, I had unconscious expectations that these children would, in some way, affirm me. I hoped their progress would validate my sacrifice and confirm the “helper identity” I had carried for most of my life. When they didn’t behave the way I wanted, I became frustrated, not merely because the behavior was challenging, but because of what I feared it meant about me.

Looking back, I see now that my front stage and back stage weren’t aligned. Walker describes this disintegration as a hallmark of defended leadership (Walker 2007). I deeply desired to love and serve these children, yet my hidden expectations revealed an ego still seeking affirmation. Realizing this has been a major area of growth—and one of the most significant spiritual thresholds I’ve crossed.

A Recent Leadership Situation That Exposed My Anxiety

More recently, I walked through a painful leadership situation with a staff member who engaged in unethical behavior. When she left, many people were shocked because they knew only her front stage. Unfortunately, I had seen the back stage—and eventually found myself on the receiving end of her anger. She shared rumors about me and others, and because the details of her misconduct were confidential, I couldn’t defend myself publicly. I had to sit with the reality that some people would think negatively of me, and I could do very little to change that.

This situation exposed my anxiety and my fear of being misunderstood. It would have been easy to grasp for control, to manage how others perceived me, or to align myself with Friedman’s “herding instinct” by trying to win people to “my side” (Friedman 2007). Instead, I had to choose a different path: allowing God to be my anchor rather than my popularity rating. It has been one of the hardest, yet holiest, lessons of my leadership journey.

How Friedman and Walker Would Guide Me Differently Now

If I were to walk through that situation again, I would approach it with far less internal pressure. Friedman’s call to self-differentiation helps me see that I am not responsible for other people’s reactivity. Her behavior is hers; my integrity is mine. I can offer clarity when needed, but I cannot control her narrative. And I don’t need to.

Walker would push me further: I don’t have to protect my ego or manage others’ perceptions. Being an undefended leader means releasing the need to justify myself. It means trusting God to hold my identity steady when other people’s opinions wobble. I am learning, slowly, that not everything requires my defense.

Thresholds of the Soul: A New Way of Holding Stress

One of the most surprising gifts in this season has been discovering a new capacity to hold stress without internalizing it. For much of my life, “being integrated” meant carrying every heavy thing inside me at all times. Recently, I’ve sensed the Lord teaching me something different: I can pick up a heavy, stressful situation, engage it fully, and then set it down when it’s not the time to work on it.

What I used to call compartmentalizing I now understand as healthy differentiation. I can acknowledge the weight of HR issues, organizational crises, or interpersonal conflict—but I don’t need to let them live inside my emotional space 24/7. This, I’m learning, is not disintegration. It is maturity. It’s the kind of non-anxious presence Friedman describes and the inner freedom Walker associates with undefended leadership.

How My Leadership Identity Has Evolved

My leadership has grown intellectually as I better understand systems theory and ego dynamics. Emotionally, I am learning to become curious—something my counselor encourages. Instead of over-identifying with anxiety, I ask, “Why am I feeling this way?” That simple question gives me space to think and breathe. Spiritually, I sense a deeper call to abide in Christ. As my responsibilities increase, so does my need for a rooted, sustained relationship with Jesus—because I am daily confronted with situations I cannot handle or fix on my own.

New Thresholds Emerging

I see two new thresholds forming.
First, discerning the kind of stress I’m facing: the kind that drives me to Jesus in desperation, or the kind that tempts me to double down on self-reliance. Naming this difference is helping me choose surrender rather than over-functioning. Second, there is a growing desire to hold my leadership role more open-handedly. I see my work less as a fixed calling and more as an assignment—something God has entrusted to me for a season. My identity is not tied to the outcomes.

Practices that Keep Me Present and Undefended

Counseling has been one of the most transformative practices in this season. Curiosity has become an antidote to reactivity. An accountability partner helps me confess quickly and stay honest. And rhythms of prayer, Scripture, and silence help me release the need to control outcomes. These practices don’t eliminate pressure, but they keep me grounded in the One who holds everything together.

Conclusion

This integrated understanding of myself—intellectually, emotionally, spiritually—is shaping my vocation today by freeing me to lead with more open hands. I feel more at peace with the possibility of failure, more willing to trust God with outcomes, and more rooted in my identity as His. I want to serve faithfully in the assignment God has given me, without demanding certainty about where it will end. And for the first time, I can imagine leading with courage, peace, and an undefended heart.

Author’s note: This reflection was drafted with assistance from ChatGPT (OpenAI), including synthesis of my responses, organization of ideas, and initial wording. I subsequently revised, edited, and adapted the content for accuracy, voice, and clarity.

References 

Friedman, Edwin H. 2007. A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. 10th Anniversary Revised Edition. New York: Seabury Books.

OpenAI. 2025. ChatGPT (March 2025 version), accessed 19 November 2025. https://chat.openai.com

Walker, Simon P. 2007. Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership. Carlisle: Piquant Editions.

About the Author

Christy